Thoughts of a Limemonkey

1,000

2009-09-29T18:55:00.001-05:00

I hope you're happy.

THE END.

CODE NAME: [Green Harvest]

2009-05-02T18:17:00.006-05:00

I'm pretty sure I wrote about this, but maybe I didn't...anyway, as a film geek I'm always interested in the fake titles film companies use when shipping movies out to theaters (the idea being no one would want to steal BLUE HARVEST but they would want to steal RETURN OF THE JEDI).

To amuse myself, and before I had a title--I named the file for THE MOSQUITO VINE, "[Blue Harvest]" (with brackets). I'm getting closer(r) to starting my second book and I've decided to continue the tradition by dubbing the file "[Green Harvest]."

This is just a lame tidbit.

GALOOT

WOLVERINE

2009-05-02T15:29:00.005-05:00

Leah and I went and saw WOLVERINE. I know, I said I wouldn't go...but "I love my wife." Plus it's Saturday and we didn't know what else to do. So we went and hunkered down. And honestly, it's not as terrible as I'd thought.

But it was still pretty bad. I think the best cinematic X-MEN movie is Bryan Singer's original flick, which in my humble opinion isn't all that great itself.

There were too many character, and the plot was nonsense...but my biggest gripe was

1. The shitty special effects (why did they make Wolvies claws a crappy GCI effect?)

and

2. In a film about Wolverine, why did they snip his balls? The guy has CLAWS ON HIS HANDS and yet this is a lack-luster, bloodless PG-13 movie. I'm not asking for buckets of blood, but come on...you don't fight WITH CLAWS ON YOUR HANDS and not see something red...

Anyway, my sympathies to Becky, whose beloved Gambit is taken down a notch by a douche-y actor with a bad Cajun accent. What cheeses me off about WOLVERINE is that it seems like a lost opportunity.

My quick idea for a Wolverine movie:

Two hour of him bashing the shit out of The Hulk (ala the recent HULK VS. cartoon movie). Maybe have them fight for an hour in the woods and an hour in a city. Have Nick Fury and his Hulkbusters show up, put Hulk down...Wolvie gets pissed off and stomps off to Canada where he tussles with Omega Red.

END CREDITS.

You're welcome Fox.

What if H1N1 Combines with HIV?!

2009-05-02T08:36:00.003-05:00

*Gasp*

Okay kiddies. You're Uncle Jason is no longer able to keep his mouth shut...it's time for a good 'ole fashioned rant. Ready? Here we go...

I am so sick of the press jumping on stories that, on the surface terrify the rational mind--BUT if you take 5 minutes to dissect it/think it over YOU REALIZE THAT IT'S 100% bullshit. Now as of late, the "Media" has been having a FIELD DAY with The Economy. Things are bad out there my friend. But The Economy is great because it's really complicated and few people truly understand it.

When I was growing up, they didn't treat The Economy like the weather. But now they do, now every five minutes they over-analyze The Economy. Instead of talking about cold fronts and pressure centers...its points on the Dow. They've made a fetish out of it (think about it there's an all-Sports channel, all-Weather channel, and an all-Financial channel). War is good, but something a little more abstract, something a little less control-able is better because everyone is against the economy being bad. No one (that's not insane) is rooting for the SARS virus to wipe us all out. And we've become obsessed with "updates."

This is the result of 24-Hour News. We've become used to learning about something not only "as it's happening" but sometimes before it's happened. What this means is a lot of times we get news reports that are literally "Well Jim, we don't know much...but something is going to happen" (REPEAT FOR 12 hours until something happens and/or something breaks). And don't get me started on reporters. These people literally are shit. I should know, because I have a little journalism experience...albeit on the small scale. Reporters today grew up AFTER the generation that looked up the Woodward and Bernstein. They think reporters should "take on" things (institutions, social trends, people) because that's what they previous group of reporters/newsmen did...but they're missing the WATERGATE point (which is Woodward and Bernstein stumbled upon a major political scandal).

Those guys took down Nixon and created the notion of the Crusader-Journalist. This has changed news and given reporters even more of an ego problem. Now we have these "journalists" like O'Reilly, Dobbs, Beck, etc. They all admit they're not reports, that their shows are editorials and not news reports--and yet, it's all very much presented as news. And since they have good ratings, modern news is becoming very similar to editorials.

So we are obsessed with getting news and reporters have forgotten that they're supposed to be "reporters" (i.e. REPORT things). But there is another component--the Death obsession we all seem to have.

You are going to die. I am going to die. We need to get over it, and yet we can't. We're obsessed with death. Further, like all selfish/self-centered bastards and we'd LOVE to think that when we die--the world will be going with us. At the same time, we don't want to die, we want to live forever. So we're really mixed up folks, but the bottom line is: we are fascinated by death and destruciton.

So we like it in our news. So while The Economy is a good, complicated scary story (reporters like it because of the ratings, and it makes them feel important) nothing is better than something like Swine Flu. We're scared of it, we don't fully understand it, AND the Government likes it because it takes attention away from the "real" problems (like The Economy).

The Government? Yes kiddies, your Uncle Sam LOVES it when something bad (that's not his fault) comes along to distract us while he continues to steal from us (both our money and our Rights). Another good thing about a crisis/scary thing like Swine Flu is that it makes us all children--we all run to "Daddy" Government "Daddy! Something scary! Protect us!" Of course they can no more protect us from Swine Flu than they could put a man on Pluto...

Which brings me to my point. I do not fear Swine Flu. For one thing, there are bigger things to be scared of. Like what? How about REGULAR FUCKING FLU, you know that bug that mutates every year and makes it's rounds during the winter? That virus kills 36,000 people every year in this country (Source: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). How many people have died of Swine Flu, a couple hundred? Swine Flu is a pussy compared to REGUALR FUCKING FLU. But Swine Flu is "sexy" in that it's something new and not 100% understood.

The media's done a good job getting us all worked up about it (for ratings) but I wasn't going to say anything (or write such an annoyingly long post about how I feel) until I saw this story online with the headline: "Scientists Fear H1N1 HIV Combination." The article is mainly about how the World Health Organization is fearful for patients with HIV/AIDS who could die as a result of Swine Flu targeting their compromised immune systems. BUT, the reporter/writer tries to lead the Scientists down the proverbial "rabbit hole" of: "What if Swine Flu combines with HIV and makes a SUPER VIRUS!"

Jesus these people make me sick. The sad part is, most of you out there eat this shit up. I just laugh. That's pretty much all I can do at this point. So, if you want to be scared, by all means--you have my premission to be scared/anxious/worried but just remember this is all smoke and mirrors (and hype). Forget it and worry about real flu or how fat you are (like me).

WTF ever happened to Ram Jam?

2009-05-01T17:19:00.003-05:00

Awesome Leadbelly cover:

Terrible facial hair.

Wow...me SLEEPING?

2009-04-30T22:37:00.003-05:00

Well now this is creepy. So I fire up my camera (to snap a photo of the "Anti-Monkey Butt" Powder...see previous post) and what do I find. What do I find. WHAT DO I FIND?

Creepy photos that someone (my wife? Dear God I hope it's my wife) is taking of me and our dog Rusty sleeping.

Creepy:

When life is shit, look at funny shit on Amazon

2009-04-30T21:38:00.014-05:00

Today was not a good day.

See, your old pal the Limemonkey ain't doin' so swell. Life is hard and then you die right? Fuck you too. Whatever. I'm not the cheeriest guy in the world under the best circumstances, so having $2.00 in the bank AND an appointment to see a Real Estate Agent tomorrow isn't helping things.

Whatever. I love my wife.

"Whatever. I love my wife" is becoming my personal mantra. I guess it's better than my old "it's 3 AM time to materbate into a sock" mantra. So married life DOES have some benifits. By the way, I'm writing this post in spite of the extreme risk of having someone near and dear to me being either pissed off or want to "talk."

Look, I'm a dude. Here's how I deal with my problems--I grunt, I don't say much, I brood. I've been going to the gym every night, and not just because I'm fat. I LIKE to punish/brutalize myself when I feel this way. Just let me exhaust myself and I'll be fine...probably. Also , to make matters worse, I've been using this "Anti-Monkey Butt Powder" that I received as a novelty X-Mas gift this year (thank you Mom/Dad...I mean "Santa"). Using a novelty gift as it was intended is (I think) one step above rock-bottom...

It seems to be helping.

But you know what else is helping? A brilliantly funny blog I've been reading, 11 Points Blog. It's this Jewish dude who's blog is basically just a bunch of lists (with 11 points...mindblowing isn't it?). Anyway, he did this blog about "11 Strangest Things You can buy On Amazon." It made me chuckle, but going and LOOKING at the products on AMAZON.COM FOR REAL, made my bust a gut.

Maybe this stuff is only funny if you feel like you're worthless (literally worth nothing, because other than the $250 my organs are worth I have $2.000). Mabye it's only funny if you've been inhaling copious amounts of "Anti-Monkey Butt" powder for a week. Regardless, this stuff made me laugh.

The funniest: Uranium (just like Saddam did/did not have!), 32 Oz. Bottle of Wolf Urine (I'm not sure what is more disturbing, the fact that people are buying this much Wolf Urine...or the fact that, according to Amazon, people who buy this stuff are also buying a"Metal Vaginal Speculum"), a "personal" tank (I'd love to pull up to the Ye Olde Pallet Yard in this bitch), and something called "Solid Gold Stop Eating Poop" (just go look at it).

You know, you could have one helluva part with all that stuff. Anyway, thank you 11 Points Blog (*plug*). I no longer want to cry...as much.

First Reader & The Loneliness of Writing

2009-04-29T20:51:00.004-05:00

"Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for writers palliate the writer's loneliness, but I doubt if they improve his writing. He grows in public stature as he sheds his loneliness and often his work deteriorates. For he does his work alone and if he is a good enough writer he must face eternity, or the lack of it, each day"
--Ernest Hemingway

Today was a good day. It was also a bit "historic." Maybe I'm making too much of it. Anyway, this weekend someone, other than myself, finished reading THE MOSQUITO VINE. I can't believe that there is another person out there that's read it. Despite the dread that comes with "the first reader" it was very exciting. Finally I'd be able to talk to someone about my book. I'd hoped that Leah would be the first person to read it, but my mother in KC has A LOT of free time on her hands right now, and so she beat Leah to the ending (I think Leah is half-way through).

I love both of these women, and they love me so how they feel about it--while important to me, cannot be trusted. Of course my mom liked my book. She's my mom, that's practically her job. So I still don't know how good (if at all) my first attempt at novel writing is.

BUT I got something much better than validation: I got to talk about my book. Imagine having an important secret (at least you THINK it MIGHT be important). You think about it everyday for two years straight. You battle it, unsure if you're doing the right thing...all the while everyone around you is oblivious.

I didn't bounce ideas off my wife. I didn't call my cousin up and say "I can't figure out the ending" or "I've gotten myself into a corner...help!" I did this all on my own. It's 100% me and my struggle. Sure, I posted a few things (including an excerpt) but other than the title I gave no details. It was very lonely, one of the loneliest things I've ever done.

One of the many (many) things I asked my mother was, "Did you like that? Did you like going in completely in the dark?" She said she did. She said her experience reading it was different (but probably better) having no idea about any of it. I think that's true for Leah too. I LIKE that I did it that way...but damn is it hard. I'm a chatty fuck, and like most writers I love to talk about myself and my shit.

I am gearing up for book #2. I have two equally interesting ideas. Two different directions. I can handle the solitude, but I don't necessarily look forward to dealing with it again.

A year and a half. That's how long I spent with this thing, in my head. In the back of my mind...in the front of my mind.

I've never been a big "people" person to begin with, but the isolation of writing can be a bit much even for me. I sometimes wish I wasn't compelled to do it. But I no longer feel that I have any other choice.

Dear WOLVERINE movie: No Thanks

2009-04-29T13:05:00.003-05:00

This Friday Fox's latest foray into ruining the X-Men franchise X-MEN ORIGINS:WOLVERINE (how about that title, huh?) comes out. Despite being a huge comic book fan I'm staying home. It's not because the film was leaked on-line a few weeks ago--I wouldn't want to watch it, even it if was free.

Why?

Well for one thing, I'm 100% done with non-Marvel produced comic book adaptations. The last SPIDERMAN and X-MEN flicks were horrible. X3 was probably the shittiest comic book movie of a Marvel property EVER (and yes, I count FANTASTIC FOUR). They killed characters off, just to kill them off. And like the other, slightly less-crappy X-MEN movies, it was just too jam-packed with characters (they did this because they knew there would be no more sequels).

I wanted to give the new movie a fair chance, but after seeing the trailers--and seeing how convoluted it looks and how many characters they're cramming into the film...I decided that I'd seen enough. Why is a young Scott Summers in this film? Why is Gambit? Why is storm? Because they have no idea what they are doing. Because they want asses in the seats.

No thanks kids. Maybe Marvel will produce a re-boot once the property reverts back them. Until then, I'm staying away from all these off-shoot X-MEN movies.

Approved

2009-04-28T21:08:00.003-05:00

Leah and I got "Pre-Approved" for a home loan this week. I'm still shocked that a banker would look at us on paper and say, "Sure...you seem good enough for hundreds of thousands of dollars." But whatever. I hear they give this things (these "mortgages" I believe they are called) to everyone these days.

Apparently Leah said I have good credit, which is funny because right now I have (literally) $2.48 in my bank account. Anyway, I guess the search for a house is about to heat up. We've been looking, but I wasn't very serious about (mostly because I did not believe we'd be able to secure a loan).

I'm glad it's looking good because Leah is already starting to pack...and that would be crazy if we weren't going to move.

Beatles Remasters=Yoko Gets More of My Money

2009-04-28T21:05:00.006-05:00

I'm REALLY excited about September 9, 2009.

That's the day that ROCK BAND:THE BEATLES comes out, which I'm sure is going to be awesome. But I read in the most recent issue of ROLLINGSTONE that on that very same day Capitol/EMI Records will release the complete Beatles discography completely 100% digitally REMASTERED.

Now I know some of you non-music geeks will say, "But Jason, you're a true fan...you already own all The Beatles CD's why would you re-buy them?" To that question I ask: "Have you tried listening to the current CD versions with headphones on (i.e. on an iPOD)?" If you have, then you know how TERRIBLE, how GOD AWFUL those shitty 1987 masters are.

You see, unlike most "classic" bands, that release "remastered" versions of their classic works every few years to raise funds (and pay for expensive drug habits) The Beatles have not released ANY remastered CD's since the original CD run in 1987--with two noteable exceptions: the "1" Greatest Hits CD (which I bought specificially because it was remastered) and the LOVE soundtrack.

It is universally accepted that current Beatles albums on CD sound worse than the vinyl versions. They are muddy, clunky, ugly-sounding abominations. Even as a super-fan I feel as though I have no truly experianced much of The Beatles sound because I have mostly been exposed to their music via crappy radio and crappy CD's.

Don't beleive me? Think I'm a sound-snob? Go pick up LOVE and listen to it--with earbuds. Then go pick up RUBBER SOUL on CD and try to listen to it. You can't. You fucking can't. The RS article goes on to say that besides new stereo releases, Capital/EMI is also putting out a "Mono" boxset. I don't subsribe 100% to the "mono is better" arguement...however, I do admit that when The Beatles recorded their earliest material, it was originally done in Mono. So perhaps those early records should be presevered in Mono, as that was the canvass the artist originally used.

Not sure I'd want to listen to an album like SGT. PEPPER in Mono. But then again, what the hell do I know?

The stero mixes though...those will be mine on September 9.

Mistake: "I'm Lovin' It" Not so much...

2009-04-27T18:33:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I made a (delicious) mistake and let Leah talk me into going to McDonald's yesterday for lunch. I decided to not even try and do the vegetarian thing...and I ate not ONE but TWO kinds of meat--I had a Big Mac (my first ever) and one of Leah's McNuggets.

Man, the McNugget was just as good as I remember from my childhood. The Big Mac...was overrated. It's a $3.09 double cheeseburger with a third piece of bread thrown in. Lame.

This visit to McDonald's was kinda historic, because I hadn't eaten at McDee's in nearly 10 years. I just don't like the food there. It was also the first time I'd eaten red meat in three months. My stomach is killing me from eating this horrible, horrible food.

Anyway, McDonald's sucks. I'll probably go back in 2029.

WMG can KISS MY ASS!!!

2009-04-25T22:01:00.006-05:00

As April winds down I'm thinking about the start of summer. For me, summer doesn't being until May 31.

That's THOUGHTS OF A LIMEMONKEY'S only holiday. Yes folks, I speak of the legendary "John Bonham's brithday." Every year that I've had this blog I've dedicated a day to honoring the legendary Led Zeppelin drummer's birthday. Last year I went all-out and made a special KICK ASS tribute that I posted on YouTube.

So I'm trying to figure out what to do this year, something really over the top...and while messing around on my YouTube Channel--I noticed that one of my videos was gone!

That's right, my John Bonham tribute video. Those PUTRID fucks, those swaggering cowards over at Warner Music Group decided that little old me SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED to honor the memory of the GREATEST ROCK DRUMMER OF ALL TIME. I guess I'm not allowed to make NO MONEY using Led Zeppelin's music to honor their drummer.

Apparently this is a somewhat common occurance on YouTube, with many vidoes dedicated to this outrage.

Warners, if you're listening I want ya to know--I'm coming for ya. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...but SOMEDAY SOON I'm going to be there. When you come out of your office, after a late night brain-stormin session (where you discuss with your cronies the best way to FUCK OVER the fans of your bands). Maybe you'll be driving down a lonely stretch of highway, and you'll see an orange Cavalier zooming up behind you...

Then you'll know.

And as I stand over your bloody corpse, samauri sword in hand, you'll know...that I am pissed you didn't let me use a 1970's drum solo in my John Bonham TRIBUTE.

As for this year's tribute, I still have a month to figure out what I'm doing.

Mexican Outbreak has the Limemonkey Scared

2009-04-25T21:01:00.009-05:00

I'm really worried about this Mexican "Pig-Flu" thing.

As a certifiable germaphobe, I'm really worried about tiny little microbes killing me/making me sick. Sometimes, when I think about the life I've lead and the way I am...and compare that to the film THE AVIATOR, I'm glad I don't have access to billions of dollars. Because if I did, I'm sure I'd be acting even stranger than I do know.

Anyway, there's this really scary video on the web that tells all about this biological terror...according to the video there's been a few cases in Kansas and NYC.

I'm really scared. Watch this video, and if your not scared...then you need to get your head examined.

Fuck all of you. I'm tired of being a dancing "monkey." Go get your jollies elsewhere.

SAVAGE YOUTH: "Last Blast" Full-Text Posted

2009-04-24T01:13:00.007-05:00

Another oldie (but a goodie?) that will never see the light of day anywhere but the Interwebs.

I remember writing "Last Blast" in my dorm room...visions of S.E. Hinton dancing through my head.

A rip-off of THE OUTSIDERS? Yeah.

Is any of it good? Some.

"Last Blast" is kind of the great-grandfather of THE MOSQUITO VINE. You know, that CHALKBOARD JUNGLE-genre of young rebels (that are naturally out-of-control)? That what this is.

I call it 'Savage Youth.' I don't know why, but that's what we call it, here at THOUGHTS OF A LIMEMONKEY.

On a personal note: don't laugh too hard at a policeman named 'Hammer.' Believe it or not (go ahead, don't believe me) I worked with a KC Policeman named Hammer. He was just as badass as his name implies.

Oh, and I do regret not going out like Johnny “Cools” Whitmore.

"Sea Change" Full-Text Posted

2009-04-24T00:51:00.003-05:00

Not sure that anyone will care, but I've given up on trying to get "Sea Change" published. It's a failed little experiment in weird, but it was fun to write.

Anyway, I had posted an excerpt up a few months (years?) ago, but now the whole thing is up over at the (often forgotten) WRITINGS OF A LIMEMONKEY.

Leah and my Mum are (supposed to be) reading THE MOSQUITO VINE, so they are not allowed to read "Sea Change." Everyone else may do so.

"Kind of a Girl"

2009-04-23T20:27:00.002-05:00

Awesome Tinted Windows song:

Tinted Windows

2009-04-23T19:41:00.006-05:00

I've talked about supergroups before, in my CLASSIC ALBUMS REVISITED review of The Traveling Wilbury's second album. It was there that I said:

"Supergroup-defined (in the music world) as a group/band consisting of members whom are already famous. Most "supergroups" fall into one of two categories--awesome and lame. For every Blind Faith, CSNY, or Gorillaz...there are a dozen Damn Yankees or Bad Englishes out there, stinking up the joint."

Supergroups fall into one of two categories:

1. Holy-shit! All those guys are getting together...awesome

and

2. WTF?!

Tinted Windows fall into the second group. I guess it's Hanson's fault. Taylor Hanson (the middle Hanson, or so I've been told by my sister Amber, who has seen them 3 times) is the lead singer of Tinted Windows. Everyone else in the band has solid rock (or pop) credibility...but Taylor is the member that's the hardest sell. I can imagine James Iha (Smashing Pumpkins, A Perfect Circle) and Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne) getting together. That one's not hard. But the middle kid from Hanson???

Then there's Bun E. Carlos who's the drummer form Cheap Trick.

Now I'm supposed to imagine a band where the members run the gambit from rock, Power-Pop, Hanson (which I'm told is it's own lame-ass sub-genre) BUT ALSO are from not one...not two...but three different GENERATIONS?!?

The story goes, the band wanted that "Bun E. Carlos-sound" for the drums, and decided "what the heck? Let's just ask Bun E. Carlos!" Carlos, who is still very much active in Cheap Trick (on tour this summer with Def Leppard AND with a new record in the works) said: "I'll do the songs for $100...$50 if I like the songs." Turns out he liked the songs...really liked them, because he officaially joined the band (even embarking on a mini-tour this summer when not on stage with Cheap Trick).

Now, I know I just slammed Hanson a bit...but I have to say--compared to a lot of the crap out during Hanson's "salad days," hell...compared to a lot of the crap out NOW--Hanson was/is not that bad of a band. They're definetly not for dudes like me, but I respect the fact that they played their own instruments and wrote their own songs. Compared to The Monkees, Hanson is The Beatles (Jesus, that was painful to write).

Anyway, the point is Taylor Hanson isn't a poser, he's the real deal and this band is awesome because it allows him to kind of branch away from that. TINTED WINDOWS is an amazing POWER-POP record that packs a punch. The songs are a little basic when it comes to lyrics, but the music is classic guitars+bass+drums--and NO CRAP.

Schlesinger's other band, Fountains of Wayne is famous for being super-catchy, and he brings those killer hooks to Tinted Windows. And like all good Power-Pop bands, Tinted Windows is all about the ladies. All the songs are about love and chicks. Nothing political, nothing dated--just the timeless thing of love and girls. This is why this album will no doubt join the pantheon of classic pop records someday.

This stuff isn't rocket science, and yes...you probalby could write one of these songs if you tried hard enough (the rhymes are sometimes painfully obvious in the lyrics). And yes, the music isn't over-the-top awesome (only a few solos on this one, despite having Iha (who is an interesting, brilliant guitar player) in the band. But these qualities are part of the throw-back quality of the band, and the album.

The lead single, "Kind of a Girl" had catchy, fun chorus. It's a light snack of a song, and it's an utter delight. I love the awesome stomping drums of "We Got Something." Another great track is "Without Love" which sounds like a long lost Cheap Trick track (I can almost hear Robin Zander singing this thing). But the song that I keep playing is "Dead Serious" which is so fucking catchy it's burrowed into my skull and is devouring my brain.

Do I feel lame for gushing about a band/album featuring the kid from Hanson? Yes.
Do I feel lame for gushing about a record that's so light? Yes, the last record I bought before this one was an Iron Maiden compilation! Why does this shit work so well, even for someone like me, who's been in a "metal mood" lately?

Because it's fun. Plain and simple.

I'm not sure how big this group will end up being, but they're pretty damn SUPER in my book.

Jason gives TINTED WINDOWS an A++ (and wonders why you haven't bought it yet!)

Two people that NEED THIS RECORD (and boy do they fall into two different demographics): my sister Amber and my Uncle David J. This thing will blow their minds...

Walking

2009-04-22T20:40:00.004-05:00

The weather is nicer again, so I'm out walking after work. I'm not going as far as I used to (gotta work up to it, I guess) but I'm doing pretty good. Anyway, I took my camera and took a few snaps.

Enjoy:

Cap'n/Writer Chair

2009-04-21T18:43:00.003-05:00

Big thanks to Jimu for letting me have his sloppy seconds...oh, and he also gave me this second-hand chair:

It's awesome, the chair I always liked sitting in whenever I went over to visit him. Apparently it's too awesome for him now, or something like that.

Whatever. It's mine now.

There are a few cosmetic/blemishes, but I can see past that. This chair rocks.

Jazz Picnic

2009-04-19T17:00:00.002-05:00

Today was a weird day. I guess the Kansas is why it was so weird.

Fuck Kansas.

I'm not entirely sure why a person would want to live in Kansas. It's kinda like a Bizzaro-Missouri. Look, I realize there is no rationale for why I hate Kansas, but I just do. My sister's Jazz band is all about Kansas. I think I've mentioned this before, that she's a member of the Kansas City Youth Jazz Band. They're a great, super-talented group of kinds that get together to play jazz.

My sister's musical ability has increased GREATLY over the past two years, and I'm sure being a part of this Jazz band is one of the reasons why.

Anyway...Kansas.

We got lost okay? Big surprise, right. I get lost a lot when I don't know where I'm going..and for some reason Kansas is really confusing to me. Damn it I hate that state.

Alright, where was I?

Right, the Jazz band. So they had this little picnic today that my Mom really wanted Lindsey to go to. So my sister, her boyfriend, and myself all agreed to take her. It was in a nice little park out in rich-ass Kansas. We got there and it was super cold and overcast. Yikes. Not really what I'd call picnic weather. And even though we had no idea who anyone was...the four of us had a pretty alright time.

But then there was the food. The food looked great--they had like 15 different kinds of meat. But alas, as some/all of you know, I don't eat that stuff anymore. So I had to make do.

Hence the "Grape-Dog" that I whipped up right there on the spot. Looks good, don't it?

Yum. Leah you HAVE to try a Grape-Dog, they're to DIE for.

Where do we go from here?

2009-04-18T22:44:00.004-05:00

So I finished "principal" work on my first novel (meaning, I'm sure there are a few edits/changes/corrections coming down the pike, but for the most part it's done) this week.

But as I sit here, I wonder "what's next?"

I have a few vague ideas. I'm bored right now, so let me run some of them by you:

1. Short Stories--I never did crack that short story market. Maybe it's time to go back to writing shorter fiction. I could apply the lessons learned from the novel to a ten to fifteen page story. It's hard getting a novel published, and maybe a few publication credits might one day help the cause.

2. Novel #2--Part of me thinks that I've moved beyond short stories, and that instead of trying to work with a smaller canvas, I should focus on novel writing. I'm happy with the way a lot of THE MOSQUITO VINE turned out...but I'm nowhere near 100% satisfied. Part of the problems stem from a lack of experience sustaining a narrative...but some of the problems are from a simple lack of proper planning. I also have decided that the next book will be a 180-degree shift from what I did in the first one in terms of theme, tone, and style. I think THE MOSQUITO VINE is in a lot of ways a very safe, very traditional way of writing. I don't want to get crazy or anything, but I think I need to try something a little more dangerous.

Thoughts on the my first attempt at novel writing:

I made a TON of mistakes writing my first book, but one thing that I feel like I did RIGHT is not get anyone else involved. Case in point: none of you have any idea what exactly my book is about. My wife knows about as much as you do...which isn't much. My own mother, one of the few people besides myself to actually HOLD a completed copy of this thing asked me recently about it. She asked, "Is it about some sort of monster?" No. "Is it some sort of police-thing?" No again. See, what's I find so cool about it is, people who know me are going to be surprised by my book--because unlike a lot of "writers" I've known over the years who yap, and YAP about their fucking books/stories, I don't feel the NEED to brag and talk endlessly about my shit. Oh my God, there was a chick in one of my English classes back in UMSL that had fucking sketches of her characters that she'd show us...

I'm the opposite, I guess as a reaction to meeting people like that.

Anyway, what's so cool is that people who know me THINK they have an idea of my book. They might think that because I like certain types of books (or movies) that that's what I'd naturally create myself, but that's not the case.

In fact, now that I think about it, other than actually FINISHING the damn thing...not flapping my yap about it (and letting the prose do the talking) is about all I'm really 100% proud of.

Things I will never do again:

I will NEVER, come hell or high-water, stop working on a novel until it is finished. After NaNoWriMo I fucked up by waiting. You gotta keep plugging away.

Taking time off = death

I'd never written so much in such a short span of time, so I forgive myself...but next time I'm going to man-up and keep going UNTIL IT IS DONE! The other way that I fucked up is by not having an "exit strategy." I won't beat myself up too much over this, after all the USA government had a similar problem recently (that I won't get into here) and in both my case--and theirs, nothing good comes of rushing in without a plan to get the fuck OUT of Dodge. I will never start writing without (at least) a vague notion of how I'm going to end things. I spent almost the same amount of time trying to come up with an ending for my novel as I did writing the first 300 pages. And while we're on the subject of page counts, I'm done with the word-count/page-count obsession. THE MOSQUITO VINE is the longest thing I've ever written, so I've marveled at it's length...but outside of NaNoWriMo, there is no reason to keep "score" of these (in my opinion) trivial matters of length.

What I've decided as I write this post:

I think I'm going to spend the rest of this month and May working on a game plan for my next book. I think that's the most logical route at this point. I need to come up with three wonderful ideas and develop them as far as I can--then pick the best one. My goal is to have draft #1 of my second novel by January 01, 2010.

Leah, God bless her, will want to slow my progress down...because I she knows that once I finish my 12th book I intend on lying down and dying. But that's the plan (even if it brings me closer to the grave).

Ready to go back Home

2009-04-18T16:18:00.002-05:00

My mom is back home from the hospital. Hopefully to stay for a while. She's going to have to wait a month for her body to heal before the doctors can fix the tube that's been broken insider her (it's the one leading from the kidney, I forget what it's called/how to spell it). Anyway, I've been taking Lindsey to all her weekend stuff.

I got us momentarily lost in Kansas (where he participates in the KC Youth Jazz-thingy). In a few hours I have to take her to a volleyball game. The KC Star published my Great-Uncle's obituary today. Which was nice.

I'm staring down the barrel of one-and-a-half days left out here in KC, and I'm ready to go home. This house is not my home. I miss my wife. I need to get back to work. My family is driving me crazy (and I'm sure I'm making them nuts).

I don't feel like I did much good here. I feel like I should have done more. I'm also sad because I know that after this week, the drama continues. This thing is going to last a lot longer than the week I have to spend out here. Whatever.

Ya do what you can do.

Not Well

2009-04-16T16:42:00.002-05:00

Today my mother's surgery didn't happen. There were complications...she had a doctors appointment for tomorrow to discuss her options (MAJOR surgery instead of minor surgery). Me and my Dad brought her home, and she seemed okay.

I bought her a blue berry muffin from Panera and she ate it. Then she asked if I'd help edit my Uncle David's obituary. The original was written by his executor, and was too wordy. So wordy it was going to cost $300. So I saved them a few hundred by doing a little editing. I got on the phone with the KC Star after I emailed it over and paid for it with my mom's credit card...when something happened.

It was really weird, but all the sudden she just started freaking out. I got off the phone with the newspaper and went upstairs and my Dad had me hold her while he called the hospital. She was standing up, clutching her stomach. She was totally out of it. She babbled, it was strange non-sense. I'm not sure she even knew who I was.

I'm not trying to be funny, but it sounded like fucking Hebrew she was speaking. It just made no god damn sense, a few minutes before she was fine. They gave her some anesthesia at the hospital earlier in the day that had left her shaky. Like she was cold, even though she wasn't cold.

I don't know what's going on. I'm at the house with Lindsey, waiting to hear from my Dad (who rushed her off to the hospital). No one will take my calls--not Leah, not Amber, not my Dad. I'm kinda freaking out.

I just want to go on record and say that this is all a doctor's fault. Fuck those people. We found out today that following an initial surgery one of her "important tubes" has been "transected." How did that happen doc? This entire episode is NOT helping me get over my fear of doctors.

Novelist

2009-04-15T11:14:00.004-05:00

What a long, strange trip it's been. If you'd have told me back in November 2007 that it would take this long to finish my first novel--I'd have laughed. After all, NaNoWriMo was challenging, but I met the 50,000 word quota. Surely it would only take a few weeks in December to wrap things up, right?

Well it wasn't that easy. I took some time off (which was a mistake) after the marathon writing session that was November 2007. Then I went back and read some of what I wrote--and I loved some parts, but didn't like others. I was too scared to cut what needed to go, because I knew I'd be losing a lot of what I had (and after all I was trying to ADD to the thing, not have LESS). So I put it away, and six months slipped by.Eventually, it was time to get married, and I felt my life start to pass me by. I realized that if I didn't finish the book soon, I might never finish it.

I had tried to start something new, but I couldn't go forward until I finished THE MOSQUITO VINE. So, the week after the wedding, I started editing and writing again. I finished the first draft the week of Thanksgiving 2008. During the second round of edits, I did what needed to be done, I killed the secondary--weaker, plot thread. Thus killing my ending. Once the editing was done, I sat down and over a period of one week wrote a new ending.

Yesterday, I sat next to my mothers bed and edited those final pages. And today, a day that will forever be historic in my own personal life, April 15, 2009 I went and printed off the second (and very-readable) draft of my first complete novel:

I want to thank everyone for encouraging me, but special thanks to Leah who put up with me shutting the door and working every night for a month (November 2008). Thank god you like playing solitaire so much. Beyond just tolerating me working though, she's also a key reason the book is finished. I was totally prepared to give up many times, and she never let me.

One down, eleven to go baby.

100% Done

2009-04-14T13:09:00.002-05:00

This morning, after I made my mother breakfast, I got to work editing the new ending for my novel. It took about an hour and a half to read through it and make a few changes. Then I spent about twenty minutes transferring those corrections to the digital copy (which always sucks and is tedious).

And now, I AM 100% done with the second draft of my novel.

I know that it's not "finished." There's nothing written that's ever really finished. I'm sure there are a few kinks and what have-you that need to be worked out...but for the first time I have something I am comfortable showing people.

Once my sisters come home later today I'm planning on running to Kinkos and printing this thing off--I can't do it at home or here on my sisters printer, because this thing WOULD KILL a printer.

Anyway, once it's been read by Leah and my family I'll be in need of a few volunteer readers to help me with the third/fourth draft.

In KC all this Week

2009-04-13T08:27:00.002-05:00

I haven't really mentioned this, but my mother is having a lot of medical issues right now. I've felt bad that I wasn't able to be there for the first surgery(s) but I told myself that my Dad and my sisters had everything covered.

And they did.

But my dad works two jobs and my older sister lives in Kansas now (damn that state)...so this week my mom was going to be home all alone--and I didn't find that acceptable. So I'm going to go home and take care of her, until her next big surgery on Thursday.

I feel really shitty for abandoning my post at the "ye olde pallet yard," because I know that despite everything, I am useful there...but this is something that I feel I must do. My parents took care of me when I was a helpless infant, so I feel that it's ones duty to kinda pay them back.

99.99999999999999999% DONE!

2009-04-12T13:38:00.003-05:00

After a week of hard work (with one day, Friday, off) I sat down this morning and completed work on the "new" ending of my novel. I am now, as they say--finished writing my first book.

The second draft is 328 pages and 85,000 words exactly.

Whereas before I was only so-so about my ending I am not 100% behind it. I feel like I didn't pussy out but didn't end on a totally depressing note. It's the best of both worlds. I'm going to print the last 28 pages and edit them this week.

Then I'm going to Kinkos and I'm going to run 3 or 4 copies off. I'm going home to KC next week sometime for a funeral/emergency visit (which I'll probably explain later this week). While I'm out there I'm going to leave a copy for my folks and Amber to read.

Which by the way, last night Amber called me and told me SHE'S GETTING MARRIED! I am so happy right now, for her and for me. As I write this I'm listening to Queen, and I feel like a fucking Champion! I feel like I just got laid, scored a touch-down, and won the lottery.

Basically I feel good right now.

Banana Babies

2009-04-12T13:29:00.006-05:00

Yesterday me and Leah were at the store, picking up a few things and we ended up in the ice cream section (as one does when they go to the store with Leah). While she was hunting for something that would be okay for her to eat during Passover, I happened upon these delicious "Banana Babies."

Now, as a rule, I tend to make purchases solely on the packaging. Banana babies has everything I look for:

Cartoon animals--Check
Monkeys--Check
Are the monkeys smiling/having fun?--yes, they are. Check

It's a fairly simple treat (one that I'm sure I could easily make at home). It's half a banana, frozen with a wooden stick, covered in chocolate. They have 3 varieties: milk chocolate, milk chocolate with peanuts, and dark chocolate. I got the dark chocolate, but I'm sure the other two are great too (I'll probably pick up the peanut encrusted ones next time I'm out).They're quite good (excellent breakfast food). If you like fruit and chocolate, and you see these things you should pick them up--they're good.

CAT SHIT ONE

2009-04-09T18:54:00.002-05:00

...more like "bat-shit crazy." I saw this posted on Kanye West's blog. It's a weird, all-animal CGI war cartoon.

Needless to say, it's messed up.

I love anything with bunny-rabbit snipers! Happy Easter folks!

(Another) Partial Victory

2009-04-06T20:44:00.002-05:00

Well, other than an ending--the second draft is complete.

I know, I know...without and ending...it's NOT complete. But I finished all my editing. Boy did I do some damage. I'm not sure how interested any of you are in the "stats" of this little projects, but here they are:

I "axed" 17,328 words total. This was primarily a secondary, un-related plot-thread that was both unnecessary and cliched. This was about 54 pages of material, a majority of this crap was written back in the NaNoWriMo days (when I had to write, even when I had little to say).

But I've cleaned all this up, and now I'm just in need of an ending.

Ugh...

Partial Victory

2009-04-05T23:20:00.002-05:00

The end is nigh folks.

While not a 100% success, this weekend's "lock-down" has moved me MUCH closer to having a completed second draft. I left the apartment once this weekend, a few hours ago to get some gas for my car (so I didn't have to do it in the morning). Other than that, I stayed in an worked.

The digital edit is nearly complete. I'm 40 pages away from having that done. Once that is complete, I'll need to write the ending--and then I'll have a novel.

My target completion date is Friday April 10, 2009.

Wish me luck.

Status of Draft#2

2009-04-04T16:24:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it (and you probably won't either) but I actually DID what I said I was going to do. I woke up, read in the bath-tub for an hour...then I got out and had breakfast (veggie burger)...and then I worked.

And I worked.

Guess what? I got it done. I finished making the physical edits today on the second half of my novel. I'm drained. While the first half had 20-30 pages lopped off, the second half (written last September) was mostly okay. I did kill the last 15 pages (the ending problem I'm having).

Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to start working on the "digital edit" which is boring and tedious. Hopefully I'll find the courage/will-power to get through that tomorrow...which leaves the ending...which will take me all week I'm sure.

This time next week, I'll have the second draft of my novel done--and I'll be ready to let people (Leah) read it. I'm excited.

The "Weekend Plan"

2009-04-03T17:26:00.003-05:00

Say it again:

"I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend. I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend.I'm going to edit this weekend."

Now, I've said this before...but this time I have a plan and a goal. Tomorrow, I'm getting up in the AM and I'm going to shower/get dressed...then I'm going to finish editing my book. This is the plan. By Sunday night I should be working on the digital edit.

Next week I'm writing the new ending. The goal is to be have a 100% finished second draft by the end of next weekend, so that a week from this Monday *someone* can take a look at this damn thing (i.e. start reading it).

This is the "Weekend Plan."

Telemarketers: My New Plan of Action

2009-04-03T10:52:00.002-05:00

One of my (many) tasks at work is to answer the phones. Would you believe a pallet company gets a lot of calls?

A lot of calls.

Some are related to what we do, but there is a percentage (I'd say 15-20%) that are from various telemarketers. The kind I hate the most are from the machines. You pick-up and get a recording hocking insurance or Cable/Dish services. All you have to do is "Press 1 to speak with an operator."

Usually I just hang up, but not anymore. They wasted my time, so now I'm wasting theirs. Here is what I am now doing.

I find out what they are selling and pick something else--something not related to what they're trying to get me to buy. Then I "Press 1" and wait. When the call center takes my call, I ask for the "head of the household." Then I ask the guy trying to sell me cheap health insurance if he'd like Dish Network.

I just did this about 10 minutes ago, and it was hilarious. I acted oblivious when he said, "Sir, this is a call center" (because they act oblivious to me when they're trying to sell me siding for my house...even when I tell them that the number they've dialed is a business and I don't own a home). I told him all about the 349 channels of HD-programming he could have. I told him he could try the service out for a month, and then decide if he wanted to keep it. Eventually he hung up on me.

But I wasted that bastards time.

To quote Carlin: "These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools."

Ting Tings Tomorrow

2009-04-02T17:15:00.004-05:00

So I'm going to a concert tomorrow night...I'm taking Leah to see The Ting Tings.

The Ting Tings are a cutesy boy-girl Pop band that Amber and Leah like. They're pretty cute, though they have a few songs that I find annoying. They also have some pretty good songs, too. The band is playing at The Pageant out here in STL-Land, which if you recall--the last time I was there I saw metal legends Motorhead.

Motorhead.

This is about as from Motorhead as one can get kids:

Yes...the drums...those God-damn drums...

Last episode of ER tonight

2009-04-02T17:02:00.007-05:00

About a year ago, my wife and I got "into" ER.

I think it started out as a X-Mas/Chaunnnakuakau present that I bought for her (Season 1). From there is bloomed into an all-out obsession. The show is brilliant because it mixes the best parts of a medical show (the blood/guts and tension) with the best parts of a Soap Opera (the sex and backstabbing).

Unlike a lot of dramas on TV, ER (the first 4 to 5 seasons) had some really awesome characters/character development. And then there's Clooney. That guy, regardless of how you feel about his politics, is a star and his work on ER is some of his finest work.

We got all the way through the Clooney-era on DVD and kinda gave up on it. Once 60% of the original cast was gone, I frankly lost interest. This past season has been interesting because they've been brining back a lot of the old characters (including some dead ones). Tonight, NBC is saying goodbye to it's last great show from the 90's "Must-See-TV" days:

The only reason I know that tonight is the last episode is because of a report I heard on NPR this afternoon in my car. That's how out of touch I am with television. I know Leah is going to want to watch it, and I'm interested in how they'll finish things...but quite frankly the show should have ended YEARS ago. Like LAW AND ORDER, ER of late has just been recycling it's plots--with characters that are merely pale imitations of those from earlier seasons.

Still, ER is a television institution and it's sign-off will probably be "historic" in the same way that MASH going off the air was "historic." So that's what I'm doing tonight.

UPDATE:Just finished watching the final episode...and it ended just like I thought it would. Nothing amazing, they did the only thing they could do--which is basically set it up so that viewers are left with the impression that the hospital is going to keep running...but we're just not going to be visiting anymore. Kinda like it's not ending. Appropriate, but a little predictable. No Clooney cameo, but everyone else was back.

I officially care about 1 network TV show (30 ROCK, which is the only "great" show left on regular TV). NBC/CBS/ABC are boned.

An Interesting Story About "Endings"

2009-03-31T13:18:00.002-05:00

I have endings on the brain right now--I'm trying to come up with a new one for my novel.

Check out this NPR podcast about the behind-the-scenes story of how the ending to CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY came about.

25% Left + A Twinge of Panic

2009-03-30T17:04:00.002-05:00

So this weekend was terrible (or at least, parts of it were).

Friday sucked--I couldn't get my check into the bank because I got stuck at work. I got into a fight with Leah. Saturday started out good but became TERRIBLE. Listen to this: so we went to the mall (me and Leah) and we walked around and saw MONSTERS VS. ALIENS in 3-d (so far so good, right?). When we got out of the flick, Leah's car wouldn't start...she'd left the lights on. I dialed the Mall Security from my cellphone and five minutes later Leah got to find out first-hand why I HATED security work. The FIRST guy they sent out was a complete idiot. Seriously, I don't think he knew the difference between his ass-hole and the sky (that dumb). He was no help, and actually STOPPED helping us so he could go help ANOTHER family with a dead battery. The second guy knew what he was doing, and within 2 minutes of his arrival, we were on our way.

So we got something to eat then went home. As we pulled up to our apartment guess what I saw? My car--with a flat tire. Leah tried her magic "fix-a-flat" foam but the tire was too far gone. I couldn't find anyone to help me put the spare on...and it was raining...so I paid a towing company $50 to do it. Sunday I got up early-ish and wasted the whole day at Walmart buying two tires and an oil change ($175 total).

While I sat there and waited (and dealt with their stupidity) I edited my novel. I'm now 75% done with the second draft. I just need to finish up the last 25%, make changes to the digital copy, and write the new ending. Then I'm done. Then people can read it. I know Leah will be the first person (as she is physically and emotionally the closest person to me). I'm not sweating that reader too much...BUT my cousin (who also writes) emailed me last week and said he wanted to do a "novel swap" (I read his, he reads mine) and that's given me the willies.

I love my cousin, and I know he loves me--but I feel like he kinda looks down on my writing sometimes. This got me thinking about ALL THE OTHER people who want to read it...and now I'm freaking out. People fall into 2 categories:

1. People I am close to who I don't want to "let down"

2. People who want to read it who I know will be "let down"

And, of course, I don't want everyone to think that I'm a hack...and I don't want people (especially Leah) to feel like I've been wasting my time this past year (and a half). I know I don't have OLIVER TWIST on my hands...it's very much a first attempt at writing a novel (i.e. not perfect) but I'm proud of the work I've done.

I'm freaking out.

Shut Your BEEPING Lights OFF

2009-03-27T18:19:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow night, from 8:30 to 9:30pm (local time) it's "Earth Hour." During this time, everyone is supposed to shut off all there lights to give "Mother Earth a break." Doing so is supposed to save boo-koo amounts of something or other.

I'm going to do it. You should too.

And in case you think I'm making this up.

"Blue Lettuce"

2009-03-26T21:39:00.001-05:00

Novel Update

2009-03-26T21:04:00.003-05:00

I'm not feeling well...this week it's a cold (which has left me with a raspy-mucus-voice). I got off work early yesterday because I didn't feel good (I mean well), and I promptly headed home--so I could go do laundry at the laundromat. Which sucked in a way, but I got some editing done.

Tonight I came home and did some more editing. It's going slow. In fact, it's going damn slow. Glaciers have moved faster actually. But I am making progress. I stopped early tonight because I was approaching a section I know is going to be trouble.

Part of me wants to take off work for a week and just finish the damn thing. Except I know that if I did that, I would just surf the web...play XBOX...etc. I'd do EVERYTHING BUT edit.

Ugh. Editing sucks. Back when I was writing the damn thing, I remember thinking, "I can't wait to edit. Editing is pretty easy compared to writing." Boy was I stupid. What's worse is, I'm starting to get that itch...that writing itch. I came up with a few ideas that I'd LOVE to explore, but alas...I have to keep plugging away at this damn thing.

I'm starting to lose perspective about how good (or bad) it is. It's like a horrible fight that you get stuck in (I was going to say "like Vietnam" but I'm not sure if this is like Vietnam) and you kinda lose sight of everything and just go about it all mechanically. I'm hacking away at it, but I'm not able to judge it anymore. Anyway, I know some of you wonder what's going on with that, so I thought I'd let you know.

It's going.

(More) Workplace Photos

2009-03-25T19:44:00.001-05:00

"Little Man"

2009-03-23T22:59:00.002-05:00

We went out to eat tonight--me, Leah, Brenda, and Leah's Dad.

It was an environmental disaster: we all came in separate cars and arrived at different times. I got there first (natch, because I get to places obsessively early). Then Leah pulled up and we went in an got a table. Leah's sister, Brenda, arrived next. She sat down and said that when she asked about where we were the waitress said "You mean the girl and the "little man?"

Or something like that.

She called me the "little man."

WTF? First off, of the four of us--I'm the tallest. Secondly, I have a FULL FUCKING beard right now. Third, this same woman had just served me a beer. So I'm a "little man" but I am of drinking age. I'm not sure what the hell I'm supposed to think right now...I am very confused.

Answers

2009-03-22T22:41:00.002-05:00

Here we go:

1. Why am I so lame?

I guess it's society/my parents fault. I don't have many hobbies or friends (because I'm boring and because I'm an asshole).

2. What are the top 5 things you would change about the world and how would you do it?

If I was "King for a Day" I'd ditch the nukes(1), lower taxes(2), shrink government in general(3), spend whatever it takes so that everyone has access to clean drinking water(4), and I'd teach junior high kids how to use "protection" (thus cutting back on STD's, abortion/teen pregnancy, and increasing Trojan sales) (5). I think there is too much government in our lives (my life at least) and that I (foolishly) pay too much of my own hard earned money to support red tape. I also think the only way to end diseases like AIDS is to get real and teach kids how to have sex as safely as possible (as opposed to living in a fairy-tale world where kids aren't horny and out of control).

3.Why did you become an English Major?

This one is going to make you laugh. I was a History major (after being "undecided for half a decade). Then I got into the second half of my first semester, and even though I was taking two Junior-level History classes (and getting A's) I had an crotchety 80-year-old Asian Civilization teacher (who lectured sitting down, behind a podium) who gave me a C- in his 1000-level Freshman class. It was a crushing blow, getting a "C" in what was supposed to be such an easy class (mind you, we were only graded once, and that was the Final). Meanwhile, I was in Junior English (the one for non-English majors) and I was writing all these creative papers and blowing my teachers mind (most of the people in the class were business majors, who didn't want to read or write). I became the teacher's pet, and she gushed over me...and I thought, "hell, this seems to be what I'm good at...I should do this." Plus, I couldn't picture a place for me as a history major in the "real world."

So I became an English Major so I could "get a good job." Which is a laugh, because the English degree ain't much better than a History one (in the end). I don't regret it though, because I read some fucking fantastic books, met some cool people, and realized that I shouldn't give up on my dream of writing.

So there ya go.

Questions for the Limemonkey

2009-03-21T22:01:00.002-05:00

My blog posts aren't coming like they used to. I don't know why. I guess I'm just in a funk or something. I feel like writing a post (or two) but I can't decide what to talk about.

Anyone have a question for the Limemonkey? I'm sure the three (3) people that read this blog must check it to SEE something...what are you interested in (other than to see if I trashed you).

I'm gonna go play ROCK BAND 2 now.

GOOGLE Earth

2009-03-21T17:14:00.002-05:00

I know I'm late to the party, but GOOGLE Earth is fucking amazing. I was bored last night, and I decided to finally download it. I'd tried to use it at work, but as the computers I use there are from the (first) Clinton Administration, I couldn't get it to work. So I gave up. Then something strange happened in my brain (as it often does) and I decided to try it out on my laptop.

It's great. A fantastic tool. I feel like I could plan a road trip or a coup with this thing. It's like GOOGLE Maps (which I use everyday at work to coordinate the company trucks, as well as look up phone numbers) but better. Everything about it is better. From the multiple views/angles to the "whizz-rush" of flying over the globe. It's an amazing technology--one that makes the Earth seem smaller:

Last night I looked at my parents house, the Eiffel Tower, and the roof-tops in Baghdad. All of them were only a click away.

Yes, yes, yes!!!

2009-03-17T23:27:00.002-05:00

AVP

2009-03-17T23:02:00.005-05:00

For Amber, click to make bigger:

Image found on Ain't It Cool News.

"Local Psychic Crosses Over"

2009-03-14T15:25:00.001-05:00

Check out this article that was forwarded to me.

2009-03-13T23:24:00.000-05:00

THE MOSQUITO VINE

2009-03-13T22:11:00.002-05:00

What's in a name?

No one has any idea what my novel is about. This is partly my fault, I don't talk about it much (just to avoid the whole "I'm a douche-bag writer-lets talk about my book" syndrome). I'm curious about two things:

1. What do you think my book is about?

2. What does the title suggest to you?

I ask because I'm curious, vain, and contemplating changing the title.

Jason & Leah Make a Baby

2009-03-13T22:10:00.002-05:00

Leah and I have been talking about having kids. I think that's going to happen soon.

R.I.P. "Uncle" David

2009-03-11T20:04:00.003-05:00

My "Uncle" (actually my Great-Uncle) David has passed away. The most eccentric member of my family, my Great-Uncle David was the sort of person you never forget. He was a hairdresser, a gourmet cook, and a psychic. Back in the 90's he had a cable access TV show (PSYCHIC VOYAGES WITH DAVID SCHNEIDER). In fact, local KC rag THE PITCH once even named him KC's "Best Psychic" back in 2003.

Here is what they had to say:

"The former host of the lovably campy public-access TV show Psychic Voyages, which ran weekly from 1984 to 1996, David Schneider is frequently tapped for radio appearances, public seances and occasional investigative work. "A detective called me to visit a crime scene once, a bedroom where two little girls had been murdered," he says. "I saw it all, in horrifying detail, then pointed out the window and said, 'They're stuffed in a hole right out there.' And the victims were discovered in a culvert. It was too upsetting. I'll never do that kind of work again." A hair-stylist by day, Schneider started giving professional psychic readings 35 years ago, after a party stunt turned dead serious: Dressed as a gypsy, Schneider was using a light fixture as his crystal ball and thought he was just pretending to give readings until one of the party guests told him he was uncannily accurate. After that, he started studying psychic phenomena. "He's really almost always on target about health, money and business," says one longtime client. "Not so great on love stuff. He's really a meat-and-potatoes psychic."

Ironically, he had some of the worst luck. Bad things happened to him...a lot.

He wasn't always easy to get along with, and I actually see a lot of my own anti-social/grudge-holding tendencies in him. The guy didn't mess around, there was a period of 7 or so years when we didn't hear from him because of a fight he had with my mother (he fried her hair while trying to dye it or something). Still, like most people he was something of a contradiction--despite his rough edges he was also very generous. The guy was broke for most of his life, but he always gave us gifts and brought elaborate gourmet-goodies (very expensive, primo-shit) to our holiday parties.

One of my earliest memories of him was the time he came over and gave me a giant, inflatable Godzilla. It scared the crap out of me. I remember hiding under the kitchen table...

In the past few years he'd drifted back into my families little sphere, faithfully attending all of our family functions/graduations. Though he was too sick to travel to St. Louis for my wedding, his was key in that very important day because he provided me with my wedding band. I'll never forget the conversation we had after Thanksgiving dinner about the heirloom that now sits on my finger. So even though he's gone, I'll always carry around a little part of him.

I'm sad that there isn't going to be a funeral, but as it was is wish, there will be no formal service. Still, I plan on going out to attend the internment of his ashes.

Rest In Peace "Uncle" David.

Bliss

2009-03-05T20:03:00.000-06:00

I can't wait for this.

Choice Bits: A Day of Photos

2009-03-04T18:23:00.006-06:00

A Day of Photos

2009-03-03T21:40:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow I'm going to carry my camera with me, everywhere I go...and take pictures.

Cars

2009-03-03T18:06:00.002-06:00

I don't really consider myself a "car guy," but I do seem to have a fascination with automobiles. I've written a few short stories (and one novel) that prominently feature cars. I guess it's the male-red-blooded-American in me.

Anyway, this week IS the week of cars (I've decided).

On Saturday, Leah went and bought her Mom's old car. It's a Honda CRV (2003 like my car). Her mom decided to go and get a new one, and Leah's new job requires her to drive around a lot more...so it worked out. I'd driven one of these things before, in Honolulu, and quick frankly--I didn't like it. Even though people laugh when I say it's a "big" car...it is. I drive a small, two-door coupe...so a ten-speed with a big wicker-basket is big to me. I don't like the way you pretty much have to use your mirrors (it is very difficult to see out of, your blind spots feel bigger on the sides and forget about seeing what's on directly behind you).

But my wife does what she wants...so a Honda CRV we now own.

Then Monday I dropped off my car with Progressive (a great insurance company, they've really impressed me with their service). The guy told me I'd be without my car ALL WEEK, and I was a little bumed. Then I drove my "loaner" car, and now that week seems a little too short.

They gave me a 2008 Hyundai Sonata--and I fucking love it. It's bigger than my Cavalier, but not TOO big. It's a four door, but roomy as hell. The interior is soft leather. There's a moon roof. Power everything. Whisper quite engine.

But I'm not a gear head--it's the stereo/CD player/radio that I'm digging.

First off is the XM Satellite Radio. This thing is pretty rad. Twenty or so CD-quality "stations" playing everything from Radiohead to an old Groucho Marx radio program. AMAZING. Then there' s the steering wheel stereo controls. With one hand I can: steer the car, switch from terrestrial radio or XM radio OR play a CD, adjust the volume, jog between tracks/stations, or mute everything if I get a phone call...it's great (no swerving trying to swtich to the next song). I realize that these features are nothing new, and have been around for years--but I've never owned a vehicle that had the POWER PACKAGE...let alone these cool gadgets.

I got a call last night from my insurance company, and I guess the repairs for my car will cost $1200. Which is both a low and high number. It's low considering all the shit they're going to have to do to fix all the damage (like pry a brake light cover off another Cavalier)...but it also seems high for such a small area of damage. Anyway, the A-hole's insurance is eating the cost and I'm paying nothing...so I'm fine with them charing whatever they want.

I really don't want my car back anymore, though. I want to keep the Sonata. Leah got a new car...now I want one too. The only reason I'm not doing it is my job situation. Even if you look past everything else, the fact remains that the parking situation is dangerous. Maybe if I had a clean, safe place to park a new (unpaid for) car I would consider it--but it would BREAK MY FUCKING HEART to see someone scratch/dent/bang-up this Sonata. I would literally cry (then go to jail for choking someone). So I guess I'll stick with my Orange Monster for a few more years. I've got 3 more years before Lindsey turns 16...

P.S. Anyone want to buy the "Leah-mobile" (i.e. her old beater)???

Draft #2: 50% complete

2009-03-01T10:03:00.006-06:00

I just finished the first half of the second draft of my novel. It wasn't pretty...I hate editing but what I hate even more is taking my handwritten corrections and affixing them to my digital copy. It's a long, slow, boring process.

But I hunkered down this weekend and got the job done.

Now I have to pick up the second half and do a handwritten edit on it. As mentioned before, I've completely chopped off the weaker/less interesting/cliched plot thread (which cost me 38 pages in the first half). Doing this has made the work stronger, but I'm going to have to do a complete re-write of the ending. But all of that is for the days ahead--today is a celebration day. My second draft is 50% complete.

Enterprise

2009-02-28T17:36:00.005-06:00

Can you tell I'm bored? More photoshop:

Original photo:

UPDATE: Still bored...

Original photo:

Rocky

2009-02-28T17:16:00.000-06:00

Look what they did to my BABY!

2009-02-28T08:06:00.005-06:00

So it finally happened. My car was finally damaged (beyond a nail in my tire) at work. Because I know how sensitive we all are about my complaining at work, this post is *censored* so as not to piss anyone *cough* my wife *cough* off...but here we go.

I was sitting at my desk, working...when my boss-in-law comes high tailing it into the office. Apparently he got into a (usual) heated "debate" with someone trying to sell him some pallet shelving. There's an iron gate on our front door and he closed it quickly, locking this individual out of our office.

Words were said.

I didn't think much of it (as I work in a kind of DMZ). I went about my work in peace. A few moments later, my boss was shouting "He's smashing our cars!" Everyone involved (other than myself) being a coward, I shoved passed them and ran outside. This a-hole had been trying to leave the mudhole that is our parking lot/yard and had bumped my car with his giant Truck. That's what happened. The guy wasn't backing into all of our cars for "revenge" but that's what everyone thought. I went out there (no one tried to stop me, as I am insane) and talked to the guy. I didn't get mad because he was cool about it...and he was insured.

I'm getting it fixed Monday on his insurance company's dime (even get a free rental car until it's fixed). Though this story has a happy-ish ending, it could have been a lot worse. Most of the people visiting us are uninsured. That would have meant forking over $500. Yikes. I probably wouldn't have fixed it, now that it's paid off.

This is reason #11793 why I can't help jumpstart the economy by buying a new car (even though I want one). Anyway, even though hardly no one I know *cough* understands this, I'm going to give my car to my baby sister in a few years and I don't want it any more screwed up than it already is.

I know it's not that bad, but look what they did to my baby:

And Speaking of my weird ass artwork...

2009-02-28T07:42:00.003-06:00

I can't believe it...but science (damn her) has actually proven that making THIS:

...actually helped me learn better. Weird.

Zillas!

2009-02-27T22:16:00.004-06:00

One of my toy Godzillas:

Original photo:

This IS WHY you are Fat

2009-02-27T20:12:00.006-06:00

Last weekend I showed my sisters a fantastically hilarious website.

THIS IS WHY YOU'RE FAT.

I found this website using the "Stumble Upon" feature/add-on for Firefox. It is the funniest damn thing I've ever seen. It's also really damn disgusting at times. Essentially it's just a bunch of photos of INSANE food that people submit.

The best was the "meat ship" (with bacon sails) and the 60 pound block of rice krispie treats (that some stoner-college kids made in a cardboard box). This website is constantly updated and worth checking out if you're bored and/or just want to be grossed out.

Do not look at this thing when hungry. That's all I'm saying.

In Defense of The Jonas Brothers & Tinted Windows

2009-02-27T16:48:00.005-06:00

This weekend, CORALINE is being kicked off all the 3-D movie screens (I hope you went and saw it in 3-D, but chances are you DIDN'T because you are lame...and you think it's just another lame kiddie movie). What's taking its place?

THE JONAS BROTHERS IN 3-D.

Now, I'm not a big fan of these Disney-Channel music acts (I'm looking squarely at you Hanna Montana), but what I've read and heard...The Jonas Brothers are alright. What the hell? "But Jason," I hear you say, "You like cool rock n' roll...what the hell?"

Well, look...I'm not an expert (only heard a few snippets on the radio) and I'm not saying I'm going to EVER buy an album or see this 3-D movie...BUT there are worse acts than The Jonas Brothers out there right now.

Why do I cut them some slack? Because of the following:

1. They play their own instruments.
2. They write their own songs

That's really what it boils down to for me. If you're writing and playing your own stuff, then you are already head-and-shoulders above Brittany Spears, etc. The same argument could be made for Hanson (remember them?) but there is one key ingredient The Jonas Brothers have that Hanson was/is lacking--they're actually kinda cool (if you're 13 years old I guess).

Anyway, I read an article in ROLLINGSTONE about how those kids worship Elvis Costello--The Jonas Brothers, that is--and that gives me a few extra points in my book. So there ya go. Lay off The Jonas Brothers.

And speaking of Hanson, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm probably going to buy the Tinted Windows album when it comes out in April 21. Tinted windows is a FUCKING INSANE super-group. Check out the line-up:

1. James Iha (Smashing Pumpkins)
2. Taylor Hanson (Hanson)
3. Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne)
4. Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick)

WTF?? Who put these people together? The age factor (Taylor Hanson is 27 while Bun Carlos is 57!) is startling...but the talent factor is mind-blowing (the lead-singer of Fountains of Wayne and the drummer from Cheap Trick in the same group!!! Holy shit). Throw in the guitarist from Smashing Pumpkins AND the oldest Hanson kid...and you have a weird, weird...WEIRD mixture. What I've heard is bubble-gum power pop (which is awesome).

Say What?

2009-02-27T08:35:00.002-06:00

I think I may have damaged my hearing last weekend. Specifically on the ride back home to St. Louis. I have this tendency to listen to really loud music, and like Pete Townshend--it may be The Who's fault I am deaf.

Either that, or this listless/groggy/crappy feeling I've been living with the past few days is the onset of a cold (which could explain the weird feeling in my ear).

But, like my job situation we have a new taboo topic here at the Limemonkey ranch--my health. I can't talk about how I feel in any regard without my wife bringing up the dreaded "D" word. Look, I'm not afraid of them, I just would rather a flogging at the hands of Satan himself. Just thinking about a "D"-office makes me want to hurl. Everything is so fucking white and sterile. I just can't make myself go (and neither can you Leah). I plan on avoiding them forever (or until I die of an early preventable and/or cureable disease).

This blog post is going to get me in trouble.

FALSE STARTS

2009-02-23T20:16:00.003-06:00

In 2001 I graduated High School and started my long (meandering) journey through college. My first semester out at Longview was weird and wonderful. One of the people I met was Terri Lowry. Terri was a great instructor (the best I had at Longview, and one of the best I ever had) and has encouraged my literary efforts from day one.

God I used to write the worst poetry.

*shudder*

Anyway, Terri wrote a novel back in 1988 and I've never read it. I knew it was called FALSE STARTS and that it was out-of-print, but I could never lay my hands on it. On a lark, I added it to my wish-list on Paperbackswap, and amazingly someone had it (it appears to have come from an Indiana Public Library). The book came on Saturday when I was away, and now that I'm home I am putting aside Thomas Pynchon (and all his greatness) to read Terri's book.

I write this post for two reasons:

1. I think it's fucking cool that someone I know has an actual, honest-to-God novel...that was printed by something more sophisticated than an Epson Stylus C88.

2. I want Terri to write another novel.

Now, over the years Terri has read hundreds of pages I've labored over in her various classes (and at the Writer's Guild I tried to re-establish), the very least I can do is read her book. Which is what I'm going to do.

Kick Ass New Shoes

2009-02-23T17:58:00.001-06:00

I did something last week that I rarely do: I bought shoes. I'm writing about this because it is such a rare thing. Leah wanted me to get some "adult" shoes I think, but I bought these instead (they were "Bogo" Terri).

Enjoy:

You will all be dead when I buy another pair...it's like Halley's Comet so enjoy it.

Wii Guns and Drinkin' with Murph in KC

2009-02-23T17:45:00.006-06:00

This past weekend was great. I went back home and got to see my family, my sister's Wii, and Murph. Overall I came back feeling happy and refreshed.

Mission Accomplished.

Friday I got off work early (which is one of the nice things about my job) and hopped in the car and drove to KC. I'm usually not thrilled about this drive, but I took advantage of my car's CD player to keep myself entertained. Thanks to Bruce Springsteen and Ozzy the drive was actually kinda fun. I got home and had a "yuk" fest with my sister Amber. Neither of us is very good at anything--other than making each other laugh so hard shit comes out of our noses and/or we're crying.

Among other things (read:everything) her little dog, Rocky, was a source of amusement. Apparently the little guy doesn't like the vacuum cleaner. Apparently he really, really, really doesn't like it:

Saturday I woke up early and had breakfast and banged on my baby sister's drums (see previous post). After that I went over to Amber's "love nest" over in Kansas. Her long-time boyfriend has a SWEET TV and a Wii. She and I spent the day shooting the crap out of Zombies (she had just purchased the new HOUSE OF THE DEAD shooter). It was a lot of fun. I told her we'd beat the game, and we did. Because we're awesome:

I'm not a big gun person, and I'd never shot anyone/thing in real life--but these fucking zombies had it coming. Fuck them. It was more yuks with Amber, then I went at 7:30 and had drinks with my internet/blog/writing-brother-in-arms Murph (he of the infamously un-pc PONDERING TREE blog). Murph is a fascinating person (read: fucked up like me). We compared notes and it turns out he wins the "who has the craziest life" contest. Hands down. The guy just got back from New York, he's helping this Australian writer with his Sci-Fi books, he teaches at my old Junior College. He is living an interesting life.

It was good seeing him again (and actually being awake, unlike the last time when I "met" him and I'd come off an 18-hour shift).

Sunday was a day of reflection and nachos. I had washed my car and drove home. I had a good time in KC, but I missed my wife and her stupid dog.

Getting my "Keith Moon" On

2009-02-23T17:34:00.003-06:00

Last X-Mas, my baby sister (who as I found out this weekend, ain't much of a baby anymore) got a sweet ass drum set from my parents. Growing up our house was pretty much instrument-free, save for the violin which I tried to play (and failed).

Lindsey, on the other hand, lives in a house with: a piano, guitar, saxophone, violin, and a drum set. She's lazy like I was/am when it comes to practicing, but unlike me she can actually play. Anyway, every time I go home now I get excited because I get to BANG THE HOLY SHIT out of these drums.

To the point where, people have to tell me to stop.

I woke up early on Saturday morning and (still in my jammies) rocked out:

Man is it fun to hit those things. I had a bunch of stress prior to goofing around on them...and I'll be damned if I was 100% stress-free after banging away for a few minutes. I can see why drummers are so laid-back.

A Delicious Cup of Monkey Picked Tea

2009-02-22T11:06:00.002-06:00

After a whirl-wind day out here in Kansas City (which I will write about later, when I'm home) I woke up in my old bedroom. It was weird. It was like the end of the Bob Newhart show, where Bob wakes up and his SECOND show was really just a dream that the Bob character on the original Bob Newhart show had.

Yeah, that was really complicated...but that's how my life felt this morning. I woke up, alone--in my old bedroom in KC and I thought, "My God, was all that St. Louis shit a dream?"

No, it wasn't. At least, I hope it wasn't (not all of it, anyway). What the hell was the point of this post? I'm still a bit groggy from last night. I got home at 11:30 after hanging out with Murph and I did a little more drinkin' (and I watched MY COUSIN VINNY which was on TV, that's a great fucking movie by the way).

Oh yeah, Monkey Picked Tea.

So I got up and ate breakfast with the family. Now I'm drinking my first cup of tea that WAS PICKED BY MONKEYS. Brenda bought it for me, I forget why...I think I was a Christma-Channnakkaua present of some variety (though I got it this week). The tea is good, very tasty and aromatic. Plus monkeys touched it, so you know it's good.

You should come and try it.

The END of Late Night With Conan O'Brien

2009-02-20T08:14:00.004-06:00

Tonight is the last episode of Late Night With Conan O'Brien.

You know Conan, right? Big, red-headed Irish dude with the funniest late-night show on television. I've always loved Conan but going to college really made me appreciate his brand of strange humor. I used to stay up till 4AM studying/playing video games/whatever in my dorm room...all the while watching Conan.

He was more than a source of amusement--his show was also where I got (some) of my news of the today (not the serious stuff...you know, the Paris Hilton updates). And at the end of every year, just as summer was approaching, I would sit in my dorm room and pack-up my things and watch Conan. This May shows were so great because he'd go and do his show in another city...

And New Year's Eve!

I can't forget about his annual "Midwestern Countdown." He was the only network guy to give us Midwestern/Central Time Zone people our own LIVE New Year's Countdown.

Conan is leaving us for a while, but he will be back. In June he's replacing Jay Leno over at the TONIGHT SHOW. The whole thing is a farce. Leno isn't leaving TV, he's getting a 9:00PM show. I'm fuzzy on the format, but I expect it to be similar to the TONIGHT SHOW. So then NBC will have the news, then Conan's TONIGHT SHOW, then LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON will come on.

Seriously. Jimmy Fallon? I thought that guy was dead.

Anyway, I love you Conan--but you're making a BIG mistake. Your brand of humor works at midnight...but at ten-thirty (when the squares are STILL UP) it doesn't. I think Conan is going to be shafted. I think the ratings are going to suck, and people will skip his show, like they do now. People that want Leno will still have him. The only difference will be that the suits will expect more ratings from Conan (being on earlier) and if he doesn't deliver...I shudder to think of a Conan-less TV world.

But whatever. I think Leno is being a bit of an ass. Johnny Carson was classy enough to stay off TV after he retired. Oh well, Leno's just a tool. I honestly have no idea why people think that Skunk-head is funny. His jokes are putrid and the sound of his voice makes my toes curl. Conan FOREVER!!!

work ETHIC (Novel Update)

2009-02-18T20:53:00.002-06:00

Yikes have I been slacking.

It's not all my fault--Leah's new work schedule means that we spend out nights together...meaning I now have to try even harder to stay on task. I'd like to think that I have a pretty good work ethic when it comes to my writing, but the sad truth is: I don't.

I work in spurts. Tonight I did a little more work.

I've decided to completely axe a whole, separate plot thread (the lame one). This, as you can imagine, requires a new ending (the old one tied them together--it was weak). It's also taking the page count down a bit (I've yanked out 23 pages, and I'm only 75 pages into the edit). Still, I think the second draft, once a new ending is attached will be readable.

Not that I'm going to let anyone read it until AT LEAST the third draft.

Ugh. It's going to be awhile.

Okay, here's what I'm going to do: work on it tomorrow night...take this weekend off...then HIT IT HARD next week. I'm talking seriously hard...like when I hit it, my fist will come out the other side (thus ruining the paper). Hmm...maybe not THAT hard.

Kansas City, this Weekend

2009-02-16T20:55:00.000-06:00

I'm going home (by myself) this weekend to see my family! I'm excited.

Science as Religion: My loss of Faith

2009-02-16T20:01:00.004-06:00

Let me tell you about how I lost my faith.

I was raised in a non-religious household. My parents were raised Methodist, but kinda gave up on religion after having some bad experiences growing up. From what I've gathered over the years, my folks got sick of the (human) hypocrisy within the Church. I think that overall this is unfortunate, and not really God's fault--but it's what happened.

I grew up with Science instead of religion. My parents didn't do this to me, but somehow instead of Christianity, I had Science as my religion. Religion, for the most part, is just a way of explaining why the world is the way it is. My Bible was National Geographic. I loved all things Science.

In fact, for a while (until about my second year of High School) I thought I'd grow up to be a scientist.

So what happened? Well two things happened:

1. I started having my math lessons in a fucking broom closet (not kidding, it was an actual broom closet)

2. I started to learn about the actual scientific process.

One of the fundamental flaws in our current education system is the notion of divide and conquer. Rather than "slow down" the super-smart kids, the dumb asses (i.e. kids like me) are separated from the general lot and taught at a "slower pace." Well this is complete stupidity. If someone is having trouble keeping up they shouldn't be taught SLOWER! They should be taught more, not less.

So thanks to government learning, my math skills got worse instead of better. I started having to leave during "math time" and relocate to one of the janitor's closets where me and four other idiots stayed dumb. Which was okay until Junior High when math and science converged into one giant mass of squirming tentacles. Junior High was also when Science class became more than memorizing.

Up until seventh grade, Science class was all about reading and memorizing "facts." This, it turns out, is pretty easy for me. I love reading and memorizing astounding facts comes naturally to me. But in Junior High Science class became more than just reading and regurgitating the facts back onto a test...we had to start cutting things up.

Let me take a moment to digress for a second.

If I could go back in time there are two things I would do differently in regards to being a student in public education. For starters, I'd refuse to cut up/dissect all those fetal pigs, star fish, tape worms, skates, rats, and owl pellets. I wish I'd had the guts to say "it is wrong for us to cut things up just to learn." Because unless you are in medical school, it is wrong. We are fully capable of creating synthetic models that can teach adolescent children the systems of the body. There is no reason I can fathom, that we should grow/corral innocent creatures just to cut them up.

None.

Does that make me a fucking hippy? Then guess what? All you need is love/smoke more dope man...cos I'm a fucking hippy.

The only thing I cut up that I DON'T feel bad about is that nasty owl pellet (which was really just a big knot of mouse hair). The other thing I'd change is the pledge of allegiance--if I could go back in time, I'd refuse to do this. Is it because I hate my country? No. Is it because...no, it has nothing to do with anything other than the actual history of the Pledge.

The Pledge of Allegiance originated as something ex-Confederates had to say in order to avoid being shot/killed as traitors to the United States. Then some time when by and Benjamin Harrison made a proclamation that had school children all over the nation doing it to celebrate (of all things) Columbus Day in 1892. Did you know that originally the Pledge DID NOT use the hand over the heart deal, but instead you used a sort-or Nazi salute? True. FDR did away with that during WWII.

Anyway, the Pledge has always rubbed me the wrong way. As an adult, I see it as a kind of sick brainwashing. Think about it--government run schools...you begin your day by swearing undying Allegiance (under God no less!) to said country. It smacks of wrong-ness people. I would have been that weird kid who got sent out of the classroom for not conforming, if I could do things over. Instead I did it, at the time, though the whole time I wondered why it was necessary. But I didn't "rock the boat" back then.

Now, back to my loss of faith in Science.

Where was I? Oh yes, cutting things up...

Yeah, cutting things up is wrong. Junior High Science class was full of experiments that had an end result. Didn't do something right? Your volcano didn't erupt? Just copy off your neighbor until it does...or you can fake it. Yes, most of the experiments didn't work--at least, none of the ones I did worked. Half the time, I couldn't get the stupid microscope to work. So instead of accurate observations I just lied and wrote down what I thought I was supposed to be seeing. This, children, is what Science really is: making what you think will happen...happen--to prove yourself right (or, in the "adult world": make what you think will happen happen, or NOT happen, depending on what will keep your job safe/assure your funding).

Science and actual religion have a lot in common. So much so that I often laugh at how hateful they are to each other. Both are so strict and dogmatic. Both grapple with the fundamental questions of life--most times incorrectly. Like Religion, Science is full of liars and hypocrites...people looking to make a name for themselves, or a quick buck. Science has it's share of fanatics, people who are so desperate to preserve the status quo that they'd just as well not do the experiments in the first place.

But, like Religion, Science is also full of good people--who because of their general doctrine (or in spite of it) do a lot of good work. I like the electric light bulb science has given me, and I'm glad there are soup kitchens run by priests so not all the poor people will starve.

However, just like the kid how grows up religious and becomes a "holy terror," I've grow up and rejected what I grew up with: Science.

I really hate pop-science. Those stories on the nightly news about some study that revealed such-and-such cures/causes some disease. Or that some guy can make a monkey pick it's nose with electric shocks. These people are snake-oil salesman. Just like a lot of climate change people, who either say it's happening or say it's not happening (and there are those) just to make a quick buck, or keep the funding rolling in.

I guess it's the Capitalistic/economic factor that makes me distrust both Science and Religion. The Church wants a donation (even though the Priest has a mansion and a sports car) and the Scientist will CURE that damn disease...but only if he can keep his job for a few more years...will you donate to continue the research?

No. I will do neither, you are clearly trying to fleece the scared and the weak-minded.

This post came about because Terri wondered what was up with all the Science books lately (I'm reading a book about Joesph Priestley (which is ironic considering he was a Theologian as well as a Scientist--and his "discovery" of oxygen). I guess like a lapsed Catholic, I still want to believe...and from time to time I'll go to mass...just to see if I can recapture some of that magic. That innocent belief that Science can be pure, unmotivated exploration of the world and it's wonders.

Elephants & Acid?

2009-02-15T16:12:00.001-06:00

Elephants on Acid: And Other Bizarre Experiments by Alex Boese

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
An interesting book, I heard about ELEPHANTS ON ACID from the Kevin Smith podcast (SMODCAST). This is a great, quick/bathroom read that will that astound and captivate even the least scientific-minded individual.

In fact, I will go so far as to say that book is less about the experiments AND more about the experimenters. Scientists are a strange group of people (drinking vomit to prove fellow fever isn't contagious? Yikes).

The book is a nice blend of the horrifying and the humorous. Having taken a basic psychology class I was familiar with quite a few of the experiments detailed in the later chapters--but nonetheless found the book entertaining.

Despite the books whimsical title, the book is at times, very disturbing (the fate of the elephants mentioned in the title is very sad), so don't pick this one up thinking it's a constant yuk-fest. This is the Twilight Zone of both science and the scientists.

Enjoy the weird.

View all my reviews.

"A Bastard's Work is Never Done..."

2009-02-12T20:27:00.007-06:00

After talking about it since finishing PULP FICTION, Quentin Tarantino's homage/rip-off of THE DIRTY DOZEN is 12 weeks away from release.

As a fan, I am excited. When I heard that Brad Pitt was going to lead 8 bad-ass Jews in an orgy of Nazi-bloodletting...I was pumped. Projects this long in gestation are either VERY AWESOME or VERY SHITTY. With QT you never really know what you're going to get--other than that fact that it will be bloody and have a kick-ass soundtrack.

Anyway, this week the teaser-trailer "dropped" (as the kids like to say) and the world finally got a look at Tarantino's latest baby. Sadly, after veiwing it twice, I'm a bit underwhelmed by it.

Here's the first trailer for INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS:

It seems to be going for the hokey/low-budget-ness of GRINDHOUSE (which was awesome) and less of the stylish-polish of, say, KILL BILL (which is an awesome, 4-hour flick that was split in two by ugly/evil studio suits).

It really doesn't matter, because I am SO THERE on opening day...but I'm slightly less excited (what IS up with that 'stash Pitt is sporting? Yikes).

Thoughts? Feelings?

This is so awesome I had to share....

2009-02-10T20:25:00.003-06:00

I've had a pretty shitty day...

And tomorrow will probably be no day at the beach (boy does that sound nice), but I saw this and it made me smile. Go check it out: Improv Everywhere.

CORALINE in 3-D!!!

2009-02-07T22:42:00.004-06:00

Look, I'm a sucker for stop-motion animation/clay animation. I don't know why, but I find it MUCH more interesting that CGI (yes, even more than the fab PIXAR stuff).

Maybe because it's so tactile and real.

Anyway, I also LOVE 3-D movies (even though I've only seen a few). CORALINE, which is based on a novel written by Neil Gaiman and directed by the dude who directed THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, is both stop-motion and (in certain locations) in 3-D.

Slam-dunk.

The flick is creepy and moody--not quiet suitable for kids under 8-10 years old. The art direction is wonderful. The plot, while dark, is no darker than the 1,000's of Fairy Tales adults have been shoving down our throats for eons. CORALINE features a smart, resourceful, and ultimately brave FEMALE protagonist (something I wish wasn't so rare). Even though she's getting older, I think it's the kind of film my baby sister should see--only because it is so female-centric. Not only does Coraline save herself but (mild spoiler) she saves her parents and defeats a terrible monster.

So how was the 3-D? It was good. Unlike the 3-D re-release of THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, CORALINE was filmed in 3-D. That means there were more shots filmed with the explicit intent to wow in 3-D. The glasses are polarized, so they're not the lame "blue-and-red" 3-D from our youth. They fit over my regular glasses just fine (in case you were wondering). The theater we saw it in was packed, and I was sitting next to a little boy who--like much of the audience exclaimed whenever something would "lash out" at us.

Hell, even some of the previews made good use of the 3-D.

Being the inquisitive youth that I am, I did take my glasses off for a second just to see what the picture looked like (it looked like a blurry mess). I recommend this movie because:

1. The style is unique and deserves to be revered.

2. The story focuses on a young girl, one that does not conform to stereotypical convention--Coraline is a regular girl, but she kicks ass and chews bubble gum when things get crazy. And I like that. I wish ALL OF US male pigs would figure it out more often that chicks can do more than be helpless.

3. The 3-D effects are pretty damn cool. It's still a novelty, but one that's (almost) worth the extra $4 and the noisy little kids (and the crowds). If I owned a cinemaplex, I'd demand my theater show 3-D movies. We went out of our way just to see this film in 3-D. Meaning: I changed my habits just to enjoy this added perk. Take note Hollywood!!!

So go see it.

Happy Anniversary

2009-02-05T21:29:00.002-06:00

Happy Anniversary! THOUGHTS OF A LIMEMONKEY is three years old! Wow, I can't believe I've wasted so MUCH time. Oh well.

Here's to three more!

Retirement.

2009-02-03T22:55:00.007-06:00

So I took the dog out tonight. That may not seem like much of a big deal to most of you (any of you) reading this, but it was a big deal...

So I took the dog out tonight, and while I was out there I got to thinking. Have you ever had one of those quick "thinks"? They happen to me, sometimes. You go over a lot of information in a sudden flash/burst. I had that. I thought about all the stuff I've done thus far in my life.

I said it was quick.

Anyway, I realized that I've done everything I set out to do:

Work in a bookstore. Check--
Work as security guard. Check--
Go to/graduate college. Check--
Visit Hawaii. Check--
Write a novel. Check-- (though you could argue I haven't quite finished that little endeavor)
Fool some girl into marrying me. Check--

You know what I realized? I'm done. I've done everything I wanted to do. I'm ready for retirement. Golden Pond here I come.

Now, I know what you're going to say: "Jason, your life isn't over yet! Silly boy, you need more goals. You should want more out of life."

Well aren't you a fucking joy-kill.

I think you're just jealous that my "to-do" list is resolved, while yours remains (it's probably still growing isn't it?). That sort of list making leads to heart-attacks and brain aneurysms. You should sit back, have some jello and take a sponge bath with me. In retirement. I'm ready to retire.

Neil Gaiman is CREEPY

2009-02-03T21:33:00.001-06:00

Can't wait to see CORALINE (hopefully in 3D!) this weekend!

AGAINST THE DAY (again)

2009-02-03T00:17:00.005-06:00

I'm currently making my second attempt at AGAINST THE DAY. I just crossed the 100th page today in the bathtub. Already Pynchon's novel of a 1,000 characters has introduced four times as many people than the cast of my entire novel.

It's daunting, but I'm determined to finish it this time. How am I so confident? Well I broke down and bought the damn thing, as opposed to trying to finish it in the time the library gives you. I still think it'll take me a month (or longer!) to read it.

Still, it's been very good...

First 8

2009-02-03T00:12:00.001-06:00

Well I've slogged through the first eight chapters. The editing is going about like it did LAST time I did this--slowly. I find myself at times amazed at my brilliance and embarrassed by my short comings as I read. The rough patches have all been work-able, and other than one or two paragraphs, nothing major has been slashed.

But dear God it's coming. There was one section that I'm dreading (BESIDES the ending, which still needs work). I remember thinking "this is going to need some revisions" as I was writing this one section, somewhere after page 250.

Editing sucks but I know I need to do it. My manuscript is physically split in half so I figure I'll edit (with a pen) one half then go back and transfer my corrections to the electronic file before heading into the second half.

Ugh. It's hard.

Eggplant Calzone

2009-01-31T16:58:00.006-06:00

The vegetarian madness continues! Leah and I just sat down to a meal of delicious, made from-scratch eggplant calzones.They were big AND delicious (just like me). Behold:

I got the recipe out of a vegetarian cookbook that I'm currently thumbing through. One good thing about going "green" is that it's forcing me to ACTUALLY COOK again. My mother and I talked about this a little bit today. Too often people just micro-nuke the same (gross) thing over and over. Take the time to chop a few vegetables why don't-cha! It's good for you.

So good I forgot all about meat.

Poison Baklava

2009-01-30T17:34:00.002-06:00

So I shop at SAM'S Club. I'm a member only because my Dad is a member and he let me join his account. Leah and I are just two people, and even though we're big people...we rarely need 50lbs of anything.

Still, every now and then I'll go and pick something up.

Case in point: Prior to driving home to KC for Thanksgiving I went and bought a giant party tray of baklava. My sister Amber LOVES this stuff (it's good). It's one of those "I'm getting it for you...but it's also for me" kind of things.

Anyway, TODAY JANUARY 30, 2009 (like 2 months later) SAM's Club sent me a letter stating that my baklava tray was probably poisonous.

Now, there are two things about this that scare the shit out of me:

1. Clearly SAM's Club is keeping tabs on my ass. Watching what I buy, keeping track in some sort of database. This is creepy in a big-brother sort of way (Jesus, I can never run for President because they'll know I like UTZ's Pub Mix...my fat ass can eat 15 pounds of that a week).

But the REALLY scary part is...

2. That baklava tray is gone. We ate it TWO MONTHS AGO!!! Thanks for letting me know...I'll be sure to hop in my Official Doc Brown Delorean and make sure I don't eat 6 fucking pounds of potentially poisoned baklava.

You know what? If two months from now you find out that I you may have accidentally fed my poison...just keep it to yourself. I'm alive, you're alive--don't do it again, but you're cool.

Apparently this is all linked to that peanut butter scare (that is strangely making me crave peanut butter). I heard on NPR that a shipment of peanut butter from this Atlanta plant was rejected a few months ago in Canada because of "a putrid-smelling layer of film, unsuitable for human consumption."

You know what freaks me out about THAT statement? They make it sound as if there WERE SOME putrid-smelling layers of film that ARE suitable for human consumption.

Jesus, I need a drink.

Results:

2009-01-28T20:55:00.004-06:00

In which I squirm out of doing my editing duty (and make collages instead)...

2009-01-28T18:18:00.004-06:00

Fuck it.

I'm cold and my day sucked. I'm not editing tonight. I don't know what's up with me lately, but I feel like doing some old school collage-making. So that's what I'm gonna do tonight.

Maybe if you're nice I'll share.

See Mom, it isn't my FAULT!!!

2009-01-27T12:02:00.006-06:00

I got no friends. Here's why.

Nothing to do with me being an asshole.

EDIT: Before some of you jump on the "I'm your friend" bandwagon, get a gander what it is you're "friends with."

Pretty messed up, isn't it?

EDIT2 (for my non-Facebook Friends):

Moving Forward

2009-01-26T20:14:00.002-06:00

The past few days have been like a cold splash of water across my face. I'm not happy and I'm not doing anything about it.

I'm not sure which is worse at this point. My life kinda sucks or I'm lazy? Sheesh. I guess the latter effects the former...

Today's grime economic news (did ya hear like 50,000 people in this country lost there jobs today) did little to raise my spirits. But, for now, I seem to have a job so I guess I won't complain.

Anyway, my writing has stalled. I got about 30 pages of hand written stuff...and boy was that a horrible idea. Not only did my mind have to work, but so did my body? Yikes. Worse, I've been trying to backpedal and type up what I've got and it's so dreary and mind-numbing transferring it over to Word.

Experiment over. Bad idea. Bad idea.

I thought I could "move on" and work on something else (like my Uncle Stevie suggested in his book ON WRITING) but alas I cannot. It's been 2 months and a couple of days...I'm going to start editing my book. Wednesday. Today the decision was made. Tomorrow I'll psych myself up...and on Wednesday I'll dive head first into it.

One thing that working at my current job has taught me--I have an almost obsessive-compulsion to finish a project before I'm able to start another (I only wish everyone felt this way). I can't seem to get into anything new...there is something I have left to finish.

I hope the time I've taken away will make my mind fresh enough to tackle what is arguably the hardest part of writing. I do know that this will make a good number of people happy--so that's good. I have no idea how long it will take me to read and edit this thing. I do know that the last 20 pages will need some tweaking. I also know that the first 120 should be in pretty good shape (having been edited somewhat last fall).

It's a bit early, but I'm starting to put my first "readers" into tiers. Leah will be the second person to read it (after myself, of course). This is out of both love and proximity. After that I guess I'll move a little further out. And so forth, editing a little bit with each tier.

Anyway, wish me luck--and I'll keep you all posted.

Vegetarian?

2009-01-24T21:33:00.002-06:00

I can't explain to you why, but I seem to be a vegetarian. I have no ethical problem with eating meat. I mean...I'm not some big animal lover or anything. And it's not like I don't like meat (I do).

Weird, huh?

I've been off of red meat for about a year now. Oh sure, I'd eat it--but once I got out of my parents house I found I was nearly always eating chicken or turkey. I dated two vegetarians (one was a vanity-thing, the other an extreme animal lover) which introduced me to all sorts of veggie-exclusive dishes that I love. I guess it stems from that. My mother is also dealing with a major/minor medical problem that has her on a special diet--which is weird that the both of us radically changed the way we eat independently of each other.

I'm hoping it'll make me feel better.

I do need to eat more fruits and vegetables, so this will help that. I have two books to help me out, but I really only needed one--THE COMPLETE IDIOTS GUIDE TO BEING VEGETARIAN. So I'm reading that...and trying to figure out what to do with this tofu I bought Friday. I'm not going to be a Nazi about this or anything, like I said I'm not doing this for any ethical reason...so I'll probably end up eating (a little) meat one a week. And I'm not giving up cheese or dairy (I'm not fucking crazy). And I'm going to wear leather shoes.

So I guess not much is going to change...

In Regards to the last post...

2009-01-24T19:24:00.002-06:00

I think this clip from STEP BROTHERS sums it up nicely:

Toys

2009-01-24T15:54:00.006-06:00

When I was a kid I got into modeling. Unlike most boys though, I wasn't really into cars or airplanes. My thing was STAR TREK. I tired several times to build a model of the USS ENTERPRISE. The first attempt was with a really nice, expensive kit that was WAAAAY too advanced for my skill level. It was also a piece of crap. I built most of the damn thing, but the warp nacelles would NOT stand up. I though that perhaps I had done something wrong, but just this past week I found out that I was not only one who encountered this problem.

Anyway, I bought a cheap $12 model kit that had a much small ENTERPRISE and I built it--but I never got around to painting it. So it sucked.

I remember playing with a model of the ENTERPRISE that my Uncle David had built when he was a kid (not the starship but the NASA space shuttle). I'd lay on the floor in my room and wage a campaign against the Klingon Empire (represented by numerous bent-up coat hangers). My sister Amber and I had a conversation about toys recently--we both agreed the best toys we had growing up were the ones we improvised.

Give a kid a big, expensive toy, and watch him/her fall in love...with the box.

Anyway, a month ago I was at the mall and I saw a toy store going out of business (imagine that, right?). This store was the home of a Godzilla figure that I'd been wanting for several years (but Leah always said "no"). I went in and got not ONE but TWO Godzilla's (Classic 'Zilla and the more modern variant introduced in 2000--but NOT the American piece-of-shit). Anyway, it was a great "waiting-made-it-better" moment.

Leah and I have been watching the first season of STAR TREK on our Netflix stream. Amazingly, we both enjoy the shit out of classic TREK...which has, along with J.J. Abram's TREK trailer renewed my interest in TREK. So I went online and saw pictures of the new STAR TREK toys--and I was really bummed (that I wasn't a kid). When I was a kid, there was no super cool toys for TREK (or STAR WARS--at least, not until about 1998 when I was almost too old for toys). Let me just say--kids nowadays have all the luck (don't get me started on the official LEGO STAR WARS models that I would have cut off my arm to have when I was 12).

But, being an adult means you have money--which while not always the answer, can often help one surmount hurtles of both time and space (pun intended). Thus, I went on Amazon and bought one hell of a toy:

It lights up. It talks. It has a Starfleet symbol for a stand. It's a sweet replica of the classic 60's ENTERPRISE. And I didn't get a headache from any stupid glue--because this MO-FO came 100% put together--thus, I get my ship...minus the failure. For ONCE I feel being an adult ain't so bad after all.

HELP: Settle this Argument

2009-01-16T20:31:00.002-06:00

Me and Leah have been going 'round and 'round about our housing situation for the past few weeks/past month.

Here is our problem: Leah wants a house and I don't think we can afford it.

I make about $25,000 and Leah makes slightly more than that. We pay $590 a month in rent right now. Right now, we have a lease that lasts until August. In August we BOTH want a new place--our current place is beginning to become a dump (bad neighbors, shitty landlord, etc.). I want more space, so does Leah.

Leah thinks we should get a house--I feel that with our low income, it would be stupid to OWN a home (she forgets that beside paying for a mortgage we will also have to pay property taxes, repairs, etc.). I argue that home ownership is more costly than she realizes.

I want us to get a home, but feel that neither of us is ready (i.e. makes enough money). I frankly, don't feel like I have a very reliable job either (did I mention that last week's paycheck was initially rejected by my bank?). I want a better situation for both of us before entering into true adulthood--home ownership.

Leah wants more puppies and a baby, things I've told her we can't have till we get a house.

Am I being crazy here? Or am I correct thinking we're not ready for this yet...

AC/DC Spectacle

2009-01-15T19:03:00.002-06:00

Tuesday Leah and I went downtown and saw AC/DC. The first concert of 2009 set the bar pretty damn high. Irish rockers The Answer took the stage at 7:30 and were pretty good (their lead singer sounded like Robert Plant AND was rocking long, curly blond hair).

AC/DC played for about 2 hours and were amazing. The band brought a crap-ton of "toys" with them (including a giant 50 foot train, a huge inflatable "big girl" for "Whole Lotta Rosie," six working cannons for "For Those About to Rock," and some pyrotechnics). The songs were great (even though they're old, the band sounded great) and the stage show was awesome. It was literally like a scene out of the Guitar Hero video games (it was over-the-top ridiculous). We had good seats, and even though I spent $200 on the tickets--I felt like I got my money's worth. The band played mostly old stuff (all the classics were included, if you can name it--they played it) along with a few new ones off BLACK ICE (all the good ones).

I was stoked just to see "Thunderstruck" and "Big Jack" live. Leah, however, was not as entertained as I was. Oh, she was a good sport about it--but I could tell she was not digging it as much as I was.

*Sigh*

Getting out of the show wasn't a problem, but getting IN was STUPIDLY difficult. We showed up, it was like 12 degrees outside--all we wanted to do was get inside. I had Leah park in the Scott Trade Center garage (which we NEVER do, but it was too cold to walk so I shelled out $12 to park) and things went downhill from there. The foyer of the Center was packed--it was so full, most of the doors were open. We got locked into this crowd of old-rockers/metal kids...it smelled funny. Things went from bad to worse when they started walking through the crowd SELLING 24 oz Beer cans.

Yikes. Cos that's what I want to be trapped with--smelly drunk people.

Much like the time I went to City Museum and discovered I have claustrophobia, I've recently noticed that I DO NOT LIKE crowds. So that was a fun twenty-minutes. What was the problem? Get this: I bought my tickets online (Ticketmaster) but for the first time EVER, I was told that there was no option to have my tickets mailed to me. Nor was there an option to print them off myself (which are usually two of the three options, the third being "will-call"). But there was no self-print, mail, or will-call for this show. No, instead they tried something new called a paperless "e-ticket." Guess what our tickets were? My credit card.

That's right. We got up to the gates and we had to give the lady THE credit card I used to buy the tickets and she swiped it (twice) and this little hand-held device printed off these two cheesy-looking stubs.

Not only was this lame (I like saving my stubs--these are like a Wal-Mart receipt, I won't be saving this...and if I try I'm sure they're melt if they're exposed to air). Anyway, this new-type of ticket confused everyone and slowed the line down to A CRAWL.

Dear Concert Promoters/Venues: Please do not use this ticket method--it SUCKS.

Anyway, I've rambled enough...bottom line: AC/DC rocked. Leah bored. E-tickets suck.

A Homemade gift (that DOESN'T suck)

2009-01-11T21:40:00.004-06:00

This year, I was in a padded room for Christmas (not really, I was just taking some time off). As such, I didn't get to share all the wonderful things I got this year.

I got some wonderful things.

But you know, the economy stinks right now (in cases you hadn't heard) so there was much homemade gift-giving at my house this year. The best homemade gift, by far this year was one that I got from my baby sister Lindsey (who is now in Junior High).

It took her several years, but look what she made me with my mother's sewing machine:

It's a giant stuffed dragon pillow. How cool is that?

Boy, if I was Amber I would start working on my gift NOW...because it's going to take a pretttttty awesome gift to top that.

*Hint*

New Flash-Fiction Up

2009-01-10T19:06:00.001-06:00

Over at the other blog.

Two new ones up.

Good LUCK

2009-01-10T18:20:00.004-06:00

So I only have one 2009 New Year's Resolution--to read more.

To that end, I am on my third book of the New Year--Amy Tan's THE JOY LUCK CLUB. This book has been on my "to-read" list for some time now. I was sitting in one of my Lit classes a few years back, bored--and I happened upon a short piece in one of my anthologies (that I wasn't assigned to read, for some reason, all the GOOD stories are never assigned, but WHATEVER) by Amy Tan. I read it during the lecture and was hooked. When I found out it was an excerpt from a much longer work--I sought it out.

Now, me and Leah don't really "buy" books anymore. This lady-cop (doesn't that sound sexier than "policewoman?") I once worked with told me she used this website Paperbackswap.com, where you trade books (only having to pay for postage). I've mentioned this site before, but it's amazing. Why aren't you on it?

Anyway, I got my copy of THE JOY LUCK CLUB for free on Paperbackswap. So I finished Cormac McCarthy's THE ROAD and I'm SUPPOSED to read THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE...but I can't make myself start this book. I'm sorry, I just can't. It's the girly cover. It's the "Oprah Book Club"-ness of the whole thing (which is ironic, because I don't think it was on Oprah's Book List, but THE ROAD was). Anyway, I start THE JOY LUCK CLUB instead. I get into the tub (where I do my reading) and I start the water...and I open the book...and this is what I see on the title page:

Yes, it's Amy Tan's signature. So I guess I snagged a signed copy of this book, which is cool because I'm really digging it. Not the sort of thing people imagine I read, but I'm reading it. I like it.

Long Hand

2009-01-08T22:17:00.003-06:00

I have the germ of my next "novel" (I still feel like a pretentious douche-bag saying or writing that...like I'm some sort of "novelist"). Unlike the still-to-be-edited THE MOSQUITO VINE, this next one is based on a short story I TIRED to write...but stopped because it felt like it wouldn't work as a short story.

I sat on the john last night and read over these 13 pages (I know, too much info--right?) of A GIRL NAMED SQUIB, and found I liked about a tenth of it. The general concept behind it. The execution was all wrong, but the intent was right. So I'm going to re-vamp that and have a go at it.

Except, my computer got sick and I began to ponder writing long hand. Now, my computer is fine again, but the idea lingers. In junior college, I used to write everything out long hand, then sit down and transcribe it onto the computer. The process was good because I almost never typed up what I had exactly as it was written. I made it better. This forced editing always made things better.

Plus, I notice that when I write on a computer, it comes out different. I use a whole different set of words. My vocabulary is better, frankly, because I have spell-check. My sentences are more complex. But it's also a bit more hollow. A bit more mechanical.

When I write free hand, my mind can't go as fast--everything gets slowed down and I think before I write and everything comes out more clearly. More to the point. Also, I don't prattle on needlessly...when your hand is aching, one tends to write more succinctly. So I'm going back to that, to my "roots" as it were. I want to work on this before I start editing next month on the first book. I want a second book in the works so I won't hold back on the editing. If it's gotta go, I want to be able to prune it off--without worry.

Anyway, I'm doing it. I'm starting this weekend. I've had a month off, it's time to go back to work. It's time to dream again.