TO THE JACKASS WHO STOLE MY BLOG?

WHY?

http://www.filigranas.subtilezas.com/google.php?piece1.img

Re: Look what i found here!!

This looks like spam

Leah Wendleton 

From iPhone 

On Jan 31, 2012, at 4:20 PM, Jason Wendleton <limemonkeyx3@yahoo.com> wrote:

hi there. all of my friends were sick of lending me money this took all the extra stress off my back all my options were fading fast! http://lacadenasport.es/currentevents/57PeterMartin/ now people have a new found respect for me you would excell at this. talk to you soon!

Re: Fwd: Look what i found here!!

hi there. all of my friends were sick of lending me money this took all the extra stress off my back all my options were fading fast! http://lacadenasport.es/currentevents/57PeterMartin/ now people have a new found respect for me you would excell at this. talk to you soon!

1,000

I hope you're happy.

THE END.

CODE NAME: [Green Harvest]

I'm pretty sure I wrote about this, but maybe I didn't...anyway, as a film geek I'm always interested in the fake titles film companies use when shipping movies out to theaters (the idea being no one would want to steal BLUE HARVEST but they would want to steal RETURN OF THE JEDI).

To amuse myself, and before I had a title--I named the file for THE MOSQUITO VINE, "[Blue Harvest]" (with brackets). I'm getting closer(r) to starting my second book and I've decided to continue the tradition by dubbing the file "[Green Harvest]."

This is just a lame tidbit.

GALOOT

WOLVERINE

Leah and I went and saw WOLVERINE. I know, I said I wouldn't go...but "I love my wife." Plus it's Saturday and we didn't know what else to do. So we went and hunkered down. And honestly, it's not as terrible as I'd thought.

But it was still pretty bad. I think the best cinematic X-MEN movie is Bryan Singer's original flick, which in my humble opinion isn't all that great itself.

There were too many character, and the plot was nonsense...but my biggest gripe was

1. The shitty special effects (why did they make Wolvies claws a crappy GCI effect?)

and

2. In a film about Wolverine, why did they snip his balls? The guy has CLAWS ON HIS HANDS and yet this is a lack-luster, bloodless PG-13 movie. I'm not asking for buckets of blood, but come on...you don't fight WITH CLAWS ON YOUR HANDS and not see something red...

Anyway, my sympathies to Becky, whose beloved Gambit is taken down a notch by a douche-y actor with a bad Cajun accent. What cheeses me off about WOLVERINE is that it seems like a lost opportunity.

My quick idea for a Wolverine movie:

Two hour of him bashing the shit out of The Hulk (ala the recent HULK VS. cartoon movie). Maybe have them fight for an hour in the woods and an hour in a city. Have Nick Fury and his Hulkbusters show up, put Hulk down...Wolvie gets pissed off and stomps off to Canada where he tussles with Omega Red.

END CREDITS.

You're welcome Fox.

What if H1N1 Combines with HIV?!

*Gasp*

Okay kiddies. You're Uncle Jason is no longer able to keep his mouth shut...it's time for a good 'ole fashioned rant. Ready? Here we go...

I am so sick of the press jumping on stories that, on the surface terrify the rational mind--BUT if you take 5 minutes to dissect it/think it over YOU REALIZE THAT IT'S 100% bullshit. Now as of late, the "Media" has been having a FIELD DAY with The Economy. Things are bad out there my friend. But The Economy is great because it's really complicated and few people truly understand it.

When I was growing up, they didn't treat The Economy like the weather. But now they do, now every five minutes they over-analyze The Economy. Instead of talking about cold fronts and pressure centers...its points on the Dow. They've made a fetish out of it (think about it there's an all-Sports channel, all-Weather channel, and an all-Financial channel). War is good, but something a little more abstract, something a little less control-able is better because everyone is against the economy being bad. No one (that's not insane) is rooting for the SARS virus to wipe us all out. And we've become obsessed with "updates."

This is the result of 24-Hour News. We've become used to learning about something not only "as it's happening" but sometimes before it's happened. What this means is a lot of times we get news reports that are literally "Well Jim, we don't know much...but something is going to happen" (REPEAT FOR 12 hours until something happens and/or something breaks). And don't get me started on reporters. These people literally are shit. I should know, because I have a little journalism experience...albeit on the small scale. Reporters today grew up AFTER the generation that looked up the Woodward and Bernstein. They think reporters should "take on" things (institutions, social trends, people) because that's what they previous group of reporters/newsmen did...but they're missing the WATERGATE point (which is Woodward and Bernstein stumbled upon a major political scandal).

Those guys took down Nixon and created the notion of the Crusader-Journalist. This has changed news and given reporters even more of an ego problem. Now we have these "journalists" like O'Reilly, Dobbs, Beck, etc. They all admit they're not reports, that their shows are editorials and not news reports--and yet, it's all very much presented as news. And since they have good ratings, modern news is becoming very similar to editorials.

So we are obsessed with getting news and reporters have forgotten that they're supposed to be "reporters" (i.e. REPORT things). But there is another component--the Death obsession we all seem to have.

You are going to die. I am going to die. We need to get over it, and yet we can't. We're obsessed with death. Further, like all selfish/self-centered bastards and we'd LOVE to think that when we die--the world will be going with us. At the same time, we don't want to die, we want to live forever. So we're really mixed up folks, but the bottom line is: we are fascinated by death and destruciton.

So we like it in our news. So while The Economy is a good, complicated scary story (reporters like it because of the ratings, and it makes them feel important) nothing is better than something like Swine Flu. We're scared of it, we don't fully understand it, AND the Government likes it because it takes attention away from the "real" problems (like The Economy).

The Government? Yes kiddies, your Uncle Sam LOVES it when something bad (that's not his fault) comes along to distract us while he continues to steal from us (both our money and our Rights). Another good thing about a crisis/scary thing like Swine Flu is that it makes us all children--we all run to "Daddy" Government "Daddy! Something scary! Protect us!" Of course they can no more protect us from Swine Flu than they could put a man on Pluto...

Which brings me to my point. I do not fear Swine Flu. For one thing, there are bigger things to be scared of. Like what? How about REGULAR FUCKING FLU, you know that bug that mutates every year and makes it's rounds during the winter? That virus kills 36,000 people every year in this country (Source: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). How many people have died of Swine Flu, a couple hundred? Swine Flu is a pussy compared to REGUALR FUCKING FLU. But Swine Flu is "sexy" in that it's something new and not 100% understood.

The media's done a good job getting us all worked up about it (for ratings) but I wasn't going to say anything (or write such an annoyingly long post about how I feel) until I saw this story online with the headline: "Scientists Fear H1N1 HIV Combination." The article is mainly about how the World Health Organization is fearful for patients with HIV/AIDS who could die as a result of Swine Flu targeting their compromised immune systems. BUT, the reporter/writer tries to lead the Scientists down the proverbial "rabbit hole" of: "What if Swine Flu combines with HIV and makes a SUPER VIRUS!"

Jesus these people make me sick. The sad part is, most of you out there eat this shit up. I just laugh. That's pretty much all I can do at this point. So, if you want to be scared, by all means--you have my premission to be scared/anxious/worried but just remember this is all smoke and mirrors (and hype). Forget it and worry about real flu or how fat you are (like me).

WTF ever happened to Ram Jam?

Awesome Leadbelly cover:



Terrible facial hair.

Wow...me SLEEPING?

Well now this is creepy. So I fire up my camera (to snap a photo of the "Anti-Monkey Butt" Powder...see previous post) and what do I find. What do I find. WHAT DO I FIND?

Creepy photos that someone (my wife? Dear God I hope it's my wife) is taking of me and our dog Rusty sleeping.

Creepy:

When life is shit, look at funny shit on Amazon

Today was not a good day.

See, your old pal the Limemonkey ain't doin' so swell. Life is hard and then you die right? Fuck you too. Whatever. I'm not the cheeriest guy in the world under the best circumstances, so having $2.00 in the bank AND an appointment to see a Real Estate Agent tomorrow isn't helping things.

Whatever. I love my wife.

"Whatever. I love my wife" is becoming my personal mantra. I guess it's better than my old "it's 3 AM time to materbate into a sock" mantra. So married life DOES have some benifits. By the way, I'm writing this post in spite of the extreme risk of having someone near and dear to me being either pissed off or want to "talk."

Look, I'm a dude. Here's how I deal with my problems--I grunt, I don't say much, I brood. I've been going to the gym every night, and not just because I'm fat. I LIKE to punish/brutalize myself when I feel this way. Just let me exhaust myself and I'll be fine...probably. Also , to make matters worse, I've been using this "Anti-Monkey Butt Powder" that I received as a novelty X-Mas gift this year (thank you Mom/Dad...I mean "Santa"). Using a novelty gift as it was intended is (I think) one step above rock-bottom...



It seems to be helping.

But you know what else is helping? A brilliantly funny blog I've been reading, 11 Points Blog. It's this Jewish dude who's blog is basically just a bunch of lists (with 11 points...mindblowing isn't it?). Anyway, he did this blog about "11 Strangest Things You can buy On Amazon." It made me chuckle, but going and LOOKING at the products on AMAZON.COM FOR REAL, made my bust a gut.

Maybe this stuff is only funny if you feel like you're worthless (literally worth nothing, because other than the $250 my organs are worth I have $2.000). Mabye it's only funny if you've been inhaling copious amounts of "Anti-Monkey Butt" powder for a week. Regardless, this stuff made me laugh.

The funniest: Uranium (just like Saddam did/did not have!), 32 Oz. Bottle of Wolf Urine (I'm not sure what is more disturbing, the fact that people are buying this much Wolf Urine...or the fact that, according to Amazon, people who buy this stuff are also buying a"Metal Vaginal Speculum"), a "personal" tank (I'd love to pull up to the Ye Olde Pallet Yard in this bitch), and something called "Solid Gold Stop Eating Poop" (just go look at it).

You know, you could have one helluva part with all that stuff. Anyway, thank you 11 Points Blog (*plug*). I no longer want to cry...as much.

First Reader & The Loneliness of Writing

"Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for writers palliate the writer's loneliness, but I doubt if they improve his writing. He grows in public stature as he sheds his loneliness and often his work deteriorates. For he does his work alone and if he is a good enough writer he must face eternity, or the lack of it, each day"
--Ernest Hemingway

Today was a good day. It was also a bit "historic." Maybe I'm making too much of it. Anyway, this weekend someone, other than myself, finished reading THE MOSQUITO VINE. I can't believe that there is another person out there that's read it. Despite the dread that comes with "the first reader" it was very exciting. Finally I'd be able to talk to someone about my book. I'd hoped that Leah would be the first person to read it, but my mother in KC has A LOT of free time on her hands right now, and so she beat Leah to the ending (I think Leah is half-way through).

I love both of these women, and they love me so how they feel about it--while important to me, cannot be trusted. Of course my mom liked my book. She's my mom, that's practically her job. So I still don't know how good (if at all) my first attempt at novel writing is.

BUT I got something much better than validation: I got to talk about my book. Imagine having an important secret (at least you THINK it MIGHT be important). You think about it everyday for two years straight. You battle it, unsure if you're doing the right thing...all the while everyone around you is oblivious.

I didn't bounce ideas off my wife. I didn't call my cousin up and say "I can't figure out the ending" or "I've gotten myself into a corner...help!" I did this all on my own. It's 100% me and my struggle. Sure, I posted a few things (including an excerpt) but other than the title I gave no details. It was very lonely, one of the loneliest things I've ever done.

One of the many (many) things I asked my mother was, "Did you like that? Did you like going in completely in the dark?" She said she did. She said her experience reading it was different (but probably better) having no idea about any of it. I think that's true for Leah too. I LIKE that I did it that way...but damn is it hard. I'm a chatty fuck, and like most writers I love to talk about myself and my shit.

I am gearing up for book #2. I have two equally interesting ideas. Two different directions. I can handle the solitude, but I don't necessarily look forward to dealing with it again.

A year and a half. That's how long I spent with this thing, in my head. In the back of my mind...in the front of my mind.

I've never been a big "people" person to begin with, but the isolation of writing can be a bit much even for me. I sometimes wish I wasn't compelled to do it. But I no longer feel that I have any other choice.

Dear WOLVERINE movie: No Thanks

This Friday Fox's latest foray into ruining the X-Men franchise X-MEN ORIGINS:WOLVERINE (how about that title, huh?) comes out. Despite being a huge comic book fan I'm staying home. It's not because the film was leaked on-line a few weeks ago--I wouldn't want to watch it, even it if was free. Why? Well for one thing, I'm 100% done with non-Marvel produced comic book adaptations. The last SPIDERMAN and X-MEN flicks were horrible. X3 was probably the shittiest comic book movie of a Marvel property EVER (and yes, I count FANTASTIC FOUR). They killed characters off, just to kill them off. And like the other, slightly less-crappy X-MEN movies, it was just too jam-packed with characters (they did this because they knew there would be no more sequels). I wanted to give the new movie a fair chance, but after seeing the trailers--and seeing how convoluted it looks and how many characters they're cramming into the film...I decided that I'd seen enough. Why is a young Scott Summers in this film? Why is Gambit? Why is storm? Because they have no idea what they are doing. Because they want asses in the seats. No thanks kids. Maybe Marvel will produce a re-boot once the property reverts back them. Until then, I'm staying away from all these off-shoot X-MEN movies.

Approved

Leah and I got "Pre-Approved" for a home loan this week. I'm still shocked that a banker would look at us on paper and say, "Sure...you seem good enough for hundreds of thousands of dollars." But whatever. I hear they give this things (these "mortgages" I believe they are called) to everyone these days.

Apparently Leah said I have good credit, which is funny because right now I have (literally) $2.48 in my bank account. Anyway, I guess the search for a house is about to heat up. We've been looking, but I wasn't very serious about (mostly because I did not believe we'd be able to secure a loan).

I'm glad it's looking good because Leah is already starting to pack...and that would be crazy if we weren't going to move.

Beatles Remasters=Yoko Gets More of My Money

I'm REALLY excited about September 9, 2009. That's the day that ROCK BAND:THE BEATLES comes out, which I'm sure is going to be awesome. But I read in the most recent issue of ROLLINGSTONE that on that very same day Capitol/EMI Records will release the complete Beatles discography completely 100% digitally REMASTERED. Now I know some of you non-music geeks will say, "But Jason, you're a true fan...you already own all The Beatles CD's why would you re-buy them?" To that question I ask: "Have you tried listening to the current CD versions with headphones on (i.e. on an iPOD)?" If you have, then you know how TERRIBLE, how GOD AWFUL those shitty 1987 masters are. You see, unlike most "classic" bands, that release "remastered" versions of their classic works every few years to raise funds (and pay for expensive drug habits) The Beatles have not released ANY remastered CD's since the original CD run in 1987--with two noteable exceptions: the "1" Greatest Hits CD (which I bought specificially because it was remastered) and the LOVE soundtrack. It is universally accepted that current Beatles albums on CD sound worse than the vinyl versions. They are muddy, clunky, ugly-sounding abominations. Even as a super-fan I feel as though I have no truly experianced much of The Beatles sound because I have mostly been exposed to their music via crappy radio and crappy CD's. Don't beleive me? Think I'm a sound-snob? Go pick up LOVE and listen to it--with earbuds. Then go pick up RUBBER SOUL on CD and try to listen to it. You can't. You fucking can't. The RS article goes on to say that besides new stereo releases, Capital/EMI is also putting out a "Mono" boxset. I don't subsribe 100% to the "mono is better" arguement...however, I do admit that when The Beatles recorded their earliest material, it was originally done in Mono. So perhaps those early records should be presevered in Mono, as that was the canvass the artist originally used. Not sure I'd want to listen to an album like SGT. PEPPER in Mono. But then again, what the hell do I know? The stero mixes though...those will be mine on September 9.

Mistake: "I'm Lovin' It" Not so much...

Yesterday I made a (delicious) mistake and let Leah talk me into going to McDonald's yesterday for lunch. I decided to not even try and do the vegetarian thing...and I ate not ONE but TWO kinds of meat--I had a Big Mac (my first ever) and one of Leah's McNuggets.

Man, the McNugget was just as good as I remember from my childhood. The Big Mac...was overrated. It's a $3.09 double cheeseburger with a third piece of bread thrown in. Lame.

This visit to McDonald's was kinda historic, because I hadn't eaten at McDee's in nearly 10 years. I just don't like the food there. It was also the first time I'd eaten red meat in three months. My stomach is killing me from eating this horrible, horrible food.

Anyway, McDonald's sucks. I'll probably go back in 2029.

WMG can KISS MY ASS!!!

As April winds down I'm thinking about the start of summer. For me, summer doesn't being until May 31.

That's THOUGHTS OF A LIMEMONKEY'S only holiday. Yes folks, I speak of the legendary "John Bonham's brithday." Every year that I've had this blog I've dedicated a day to honoring the legendary Led Zeppelin drummer's birthday. Last year I went all-out and made a special KICK ASS tribute that I posted on YouTube.

So I'm trying to figure out what to do this year, something really over the top...and while messing around on my YouTube Channel--I noticed that one of my videos was gone!

That's right, my John Bonham tribute video. Those PUTRID fucks, those swaggering cowards over at Warner Music Group decided that little old me SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED to honor the memory of the GREATEST ROCK DRUMMER OF ALL TIME. I guess I'm not allowed to make NO MONEY using Led Zeppelin's music to honor their drummer.

Apparently this is a somewhat common occurance on YouTube, with many vidoes dedicated to this outrage.

Warners, if you're listening I want ya to know--I'm coming for ya. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...but SOMEDAY SOON I'm going to be there. When you come out of your office, after a late night brain-stormin session (where you discuss with your cronies the best way to FUCK OVER the fans of your bands). Maybe you'll be driving down a lonely stretch of highway, and you'll see an orange Cavalier zooming up behind you...

Then you'll know.

And as I stand over your bloody corpse, samauri sword in hand, you'll know...that I am pissed you didn't let me use a 1970's drum solo in my John Bonham TRIBUTE.

As for this year's tribute, I still have a month to figure out what I'm doing.

Mexican Outbreak has the Limemonkey Scared

I'm really worried about this Mexican "Pig-Flu" thing.

As a certifiable germaphobe, I'm really worried about tiny little microbes killing me/making me sick. Sometimes, when I think about the life I've lead and the way I am...and compare that to the film THE AVIATOR, I'm glad I don't have access to billions of dollars. Because if I did, I'm sure I'd be acting even stranger than I do know.

Anyway, there's this really scary video on the web that tells all about this biological terror...according to the video there's been a few cases in Kansas and NYC.

I'm really scared. Watch this video, and if your not scared...then you need to get your head examined.

Fuck all of you. I'm tired of being a dancing "monkey." Go get your jollies elsewhere.

SAVAGE YOUTH: "Last Blast" Full-Text Posted

Another oldie (but a goodie?) that will never see the light of day anywhere but the Interwebs.

I remember writing "Last Blast" in my dorm room...visions of S.E. Hinton dancing through my head.

A rip-off of THE OUTSIDERS? Yeah.

Is any of it good? Some.

"Last Blast" is kind of the great-grandfather of THE MOSQUITO VINE. You know, that CHALKBOARD JUNGLE-genre of young rebels (that are naturally out-of-control)? That what this is.

I call it 'Savage Youth.' I don't know why, but that's what we call it, here at THOUGHTS OF A LIMEMONKEY.

On a personal note: don't laugh too hard at a policeman named 'Hammer.' Believe it or not (go ahead, don't believe me) I worked with a KC Policeman named Hammer. He was just as badass as his name implies.

Oh, and I do regret not going out like Johnny “Cools” Whitmore.

"Sea Change" Full-Text Posted

Not sure that anyone will care, but I've given up on trying to get "Sea Change" published. It's a failed little experiment in weird, but it was fun to write.

Anyway, I had posted an excerpt up a few months (years?) ago, but now the whole thing is up over at the (often forgotten) WRITINGS OF A LIMEMONKEY.

Leah and my Mum are (supposed to be) reading THE MOSQUITO VINE, so they are not allowed to read "Sea Change." Everyone else may do so.