Tuesday, July 08, 2008

"I am Jack's seething jealousy"


Have you seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD? No??? Well there is a scene where the protagonist, Daniel Plainview, says something like: "I have a problem, I don't like it when others succeed." Okay, that's a bit of a paraphrase...but you get the drift.

Well that's me. I am such a stupid petty/jealous boy. Have you done more with your life? I fucking hate you. Is it your fault I'm such a loser? Hell no, but FUCK you anyway.

I bet you're wondering why I'm on such a jealous kick right now. No? Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway. I know someone (very distant in the circle of people whom I know) who recently sold a script for $400,000. A normal, "good" person would be happy. I am a self-obsessed little-fuck who can't take it when other people (with more drive and talent) get the things I want.

Gee I'm petty. This has been eating me up inside for the past four days or so...I hope that once this is posted, all my evil-venom will have been sucked out of me. I really hate that I feel this way--but it's a vicious cycle because I feel bad that I feel bad...which makes me feel bad...ugh...I need to go lie down.

Someone cheer me up.


Jimu said...


Jimu said...



Jason said...

Yes, funny...but I don't really have "shameful joy." More like "envious rage."


Jimu said...

I figured shameful joy would counter balance the envious rage..

kinda one extreme to the other putting you somewhere in the middle..

Lrgblueeyes said...

Im trying to be supportive and not stick it to you in this comment so PLEASE take it how its ment, you had mentioned you would like to have a writing partner because you have never had one, I know she doesn't write what you write but I bet Simmie would love to find a new one, the one thing she did that has success she did with the writing partner maybe it would be mutual help

Jason said...

I realized today that I am 100% not made for this world...

My dreams are probably just that, dreams...so I'm not sure how seriously I should pursue them. I do know that writing makes me happy, and I get high every time I finish a story (long or short). I know that the process of coming up with something new is better than sex, drugs (all that I've tried), and Rock 'n Roll.

I will write in some capacity until God/whoever mercifully stops my heart and takes me from this world.

As for what I should do with myself...I don't know.

It's not that I'm insanely jealous of this person because she did something I want to--it's that she's successful (a medical doctor) beyond anything I could ever hope AND she's also succeeding in a way I only dream of. That's what makes me feel like shit.

As far as writing with anyone, I think it would be fun but I can't ever find anyone willing (not even really sure how it's done). Anyway, Simmie is clearly in a league beyond me and it would be a waste of her time to condescend to my level (that of the amateur).