Friday, January 30, 2009

Poison Baklava

So I shop at SAM'S Club. I'm a member only because my Dad is a member and he let me join his account. Leah and I are just two people, and even though we're big people...we rarely need 50lbs of anything.

Still, every now and then I'll go and pick something up.

Case in point: Prior to driving home to KC for Thanksgiving I went and bought a giant party tray of baklava. My sister Amber LOVES this stuff (it's good). It's one of those "I'm getting it for you...but it's also for me" kind of things.

Anyway, TODAY JANUARY 30, 2009 (like 2 months later) SAM's Club sent me a letter stating that my baklava tray was probably poisonous.

Now, there are two things about this that scare the shit out of me:

1. Clearly SAM's Club is keeping tabs on my ass. Watching what I buy, keeping track in some sort of database. This is creepy in a big-brother sort of way (Jesus, I can never run for President because they'll know I like UTZ's Pub fat ass can eat 15 pounds of that a week).

But the REALLY scary part is...

2. That baklava tray is gone. We ate it TWO MONTHS AGO!!! Thanks for letting me know...I'll be sure to hop in my Official Doc Brown Delorean and make sure I don't eat 6 fucking pounds of potentially poisoned baklava.

You know what? If two months from now you find out that I you may have accidentally fed my poison...just keep it to yourself. I'm alive, you're alive--don't do it again, but you're cool.

Apparently this is all linked to that peanut butter scare (that is strangely making me crave peanut butter). I heard on NPR that a shipment of peanut butter from this Atlanta plant was rejected a few months ago in Canada because of "a putrid-smelling layer of film, unsuitable for human consumption."

You know what freaks me out about THAT statement? They make it sound as if there WERE SOME putrid-smelling layers of film that ARE suitable for human consumption.

Jesus, I need a drink.


Anonymous said...

Generally, baklava is so soaked with honey I don't know how anything bad for you could survive in it. Honey is a good all around disinfectant. You can put it on cuts, just like you would Neosporin. I, for one, am glad both you and Amber survived.

You should lay in 50 lb. sacks of rice and beans for when the world ends. :)

Jason said...

I had no idea honey was such a power disinfectant. I wonder if that's why my sister and I are still alive?

Those sacks of food staples are no joke, they're huge! Sometimes when we go to SAM'S we see guys in chef-outfits buying stuff for their restaurants. They always seem a little embarrassed...

Anonymous said...

In 1996 I went to the VA with a fairly serious problem which I will not describe in great detail (mainly because it is fairly gross, ask me over a beer sometime) but I was nearly incapacitated by the condition. The Idiot Intern (and this is why I am down on Govt Healthcare) called it heat stroke, gave me two bags of saline and sent me home.

Five days I lay in a pool of my own sweat and delirum while my mom struggled with my Dad in the hospital for heart trouble and Ted the schizophrenic brother going bananas.

Finally she broke down and took me to a private doc who gave me a shot of something and the ailment, whatever it was, cleared virtually within hours.

Upshot? Six months later the VA calls about some samples they had taken during my visit.

Turns out I had food poisoning. They were calling to see if I was okay.

Your story reminded me of that.

S.F. Murphy

Jason said...

Wow. That is a scary story. You should have been like, "Murph? Oh, you mean that guy who died of food, he's not here."

Next time I'm in KC we should have that beer Murph.