Thursday, April 30, 2009

When life is shit, look at funny shit on Amazon

Today was not a good day.

See, your old pal the Limemonkey ain't doin' so swell. Life is hard and then you die right? Fuck you too. Whatever. I'm not the cheeriest guy in the world under the best circumstances, so having $2.00 in the bank AND an appointment to see a Real Estate Agent tomorrow isn't helping things.

Whatever. I love my wife.

"Whatever. I love my wife" is becoming my personal mantra. I guess it's better than my old "it's 3 AM time to materbate into a sock" mantra. So married life DOES have some benifits. By the way, I'm writing this post in spite of the extreme risk of having someone near and dear to me being either pissed off or want to "talk."

Look, I'm a dude. Here's how I deal with my problems--I grunt, I don't say much, I brood. I've been going to the gym every night, and not just because I'm fat. I LIKE to punish/brutalize myself when I feel this way. Just let me exhaust myself and I'll be fine...probably. Also , to make matters worse, I've been using this "Anti-Monkey Butt Powder" that I received as a novelty X-Mas gift this year (thank you Mom/Dad...I mean "Santa"). Using a novelty gift as it was intended is (I think) one step above rock-bottom...

Ant-Monkey Butt Powder

It seems to be helping.

But you know what else is helping? A brilliantly funny blog I've been reading, 11 Points Blog. It's this Jewish dude who's blog is basically just a bunch of lists (with 11 points...mindblowing isn't it?). Anyway, he did this blog about "11 Strangest Things You can buy On Amazon." It made me chuckle, but going and LOOKING at the products on AMAZON.COM FOR REAL, made my bust a gut.

Maybe this stuff is only funny if you feel like you're worthless (literally worth nothing, because other than the $250 my organs are worth I have $2.000). Mabye it's only funny if you've been inhaling copious amounts of "Anti-Monkey Butt" powder for a week. Regardless, this stuff made me laugh.

The funniest: Uranium (just like Saddam did/did not have!), 32 Oz. Bottle of Wolf Urine (I'm not sure what is more disturbing, the fact that people are buying this much Wolf Urine...or the fact that, according to Amazon, people who buy this stuff are also buying a"Metal Vaginal Speculum"), a "personal" tank (I'd love to pull up to the Ye Olde Pallet Yard in this bitch), and something called "Solid Gold Stop Eating Poop" (just go look at it).

You know, you could have one helluva part with all that stuff. Anyway, thank you 11 Points Blog (*plug*). I no longer want to much.

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