Midnight’s calling Are you close behind?
Midnight’s calling Are you close behind?
Trees without leaves an’ notes that don’t ring
Wine left to rot an’ a voice that can’t sing
An’ hours of making love in silence
An a light that just won’t shine in the darkness
Could I be any clearer?
Well Could I speak any plainer?
- I need you here
Just to lean my way An’ fall, fall, fall
She’d scolded me for my sinful and wicked ways
Towered above me
– do you follow?
Watched with concealed pleasure
As I ripped out my heart and said
I’m Just bad, I can’t help it
But I tr-tr-try to be good
And trees without leaves
an’ notes that don’t ring
Wine left to rot an’ a voice that can’t sing
An’ hours of making love in silence
An a light that won’t shine in the darkness
Could I be any clearer?
Well Could I speak any plainer?
- I need you here
Just to lean my way An’ fall, fall, fall
These people may get lonely
People may get lonely sometime---------by Johnny Borrell
For some reason I didn't really realize that it was Autumn until today. I was walking to class and I was like "Damn, look at those leaves...it's like fall or something..." Well October is nearly over! Where the hell does time go? Seems like only yesterday I was sweating my ass off in that stupid guard uniform. School is not only back in session, the semester is half over! I am at a loss for words.
This has been without a doubt, the worst semester of college I've had, ever. I can't really put my finger on it, but something is off. It's so bad, that had this been my first semester here...I don't think I'd come back in the Spring. Now what's up with that? The dorm sucks. Classes suck. Homework sucks. The city sucks. What the hell?
Kansas City doesn't really feel like home anymore though, so I don't know where it is I'm supposed to go! Every since I moved out here last year I've wrestled with this problem--of not really feeling like I have a home. Do you know what its like to always wake up in a strange place (no matter where you are)? I do. I feel like refugee. Tom Petty once wrote that you "don't have to live like a refugee." Well where am I supposed to go Tom? This feeling usually comes and then goes away...just like the fall breeze. I guess I won't let it get me down.
Tomorrow I have another "make-or-break" test in Grammar. I went to the MSC and studied and ate dinner. I am so not prepared. I'm going to hang in there and hope for some kind of miracle. If I get through this class I will be so happy, you have no idea. I don't even know why I don't like diagraming sentences. Really, I should LOVE it! Oh well...I guess I don't love it after all. Sometimes I think about changing my major again. If I wasn't engaged, I'd probably stay in college for about 10 years. Not earning any more degrees mind you...just going and switching my major every now and then. I have no idea what I'd go into if I dropped English. I wish I was good at something.
I read an article online (http://biz.yahoo.com/weekend/great_1.html) about how people aren't born with any traits that make them particuarly good at any job...that successful people get to be that way through hard work and practice. So why is it that I feel like I'm the only one barely keeping afloat? Why is it that everyone else seems to be boyant? I want to float like everyone else. Instead it seems like all I do is sink like a stone. Straight to the bottom. If I graduated today, what would I do? (besides wet myself?). I have no game plan beyond signing up for classes and buying books. What the hell do you do after the get your degree? Do you open up the "WANTED" section of the paper? Obviously there is a way you're supposed to go about living the rest of your life...I wish I knew what that way was.
Anyway, this whole post has wandered away from me a bit. Is it about fall? Is it about how I'm homesick for a home that doesn't exist? Is it about how I want to graduate, but am terrifed of graduating all at the same time? I don't know. Maybe it's really about how I love it when the leaves turn. Maybe it's about how I love Tom Petty, and reading about how to become sucessful...all the while staying safe in my cacoon of mediocrity.
I want to paint a picture. Direct a short film. Narrate a nature documentary. Do voice-over work. Make a coffee table book of black and white pictures I take. I want to produce volumes (at a high volume). I think I'll end it there...
2 comments:
Fall is a period of change from summer to winter. So to is your focus on this semester as well as your loss of a home. Lots of changes make us feel lost. Our familiar landmarks are gone (or changed) or we have changed so we view them at a different angle. It can be disconserting.
I can tell you this though. If you want a home to be in, make one for yourself. Home is a mindset. The fact that you don't have that mindset speaks loads about how in control you feel right now.
Yeah, it's true "home is where you hang your hat." It's just strange living here most of the time (where it's still new and weird) and then going home and seeing all the changes (last time I went home, the road I used to get to my house was closed. No one told me about it, I just got home and had to take this convoluted detour to my own home).
I don't feel in control right now though, I'm not the captain of my own ship. It's the money thing I think. Back when I was working it didn't feel that way. I hate being at the mercy of others in that regard. Makes me feel like a little kid.
Anyway, I'm over that right now....now I'm nervous/worried about this test I have today....
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