On Standing Up

So we had a little altercation here at the dorms tonight. It was really stupid. This guy that doesn't live here (he's a visitor) starting making trouble. I happened to be out in the hall and made it be known that I was having no trouble (of the physical variety) in my dorm. It came to nothing, but yet again (this is the second time I've stood up to someone making trouble here in the dorms) people were surprised and a little amazed I think. I let people walk all over me, a lot. But for some reason, I think it's because I'm a big brother, I don't tolerate it when it's others being stepped on. People ask me where I get my courage and my eye that doesn't blink...and I tell them. My old man. Say what you will (if you won't I will) about him, my father is/was a good role model about these sort of things.

I like that I'm this way because I think sometimes that I'm not like him enough. Or at least, I don't have many of his good traits (of which there are many). When, in the heat of the moment, I tell someone "this far, no further" and mean it--really mean it, I don't feel like myself, I feel like my dad. People like my dad are the reason there are still Jews living in the world today. Or why black people can vote and not live in slavery. Speak softly, carry a big stick like Teddy Roosevelt. Living in polite society, this trait is very rarely used. I guess that's a good thing.

I wish I could tell him. But I can't. I'm not sure if he would know what I was talking about, or even like that I'm like that. I can see how it's dangerous. I'm sure it will get me into trouble (like it has once or twice in the past). My father always wanted to be a policeman. He went to school (or almost went to school) for it. That's a job in which, on a daily basis you stand up and draw that line. He would have made a good one. Sometimes, I think about doing that--becoming a cop to make him proud. He would worry about me, and maybe as a father he'd worry too much to really enjoy it. The older I get, there are fewer and fewer things that really terrify me. Not making him proud is pretty much number one on my list of things that scare the-ever-loving-shit out of me. So I think about teaching, but I don't think I have the passion (or patience) and I think there are too many people lacking in that area teaching already. I want to help people, I just don't know how.

I wrote an email to my mentor for the Community College asking her what I should do with myself. It's a hard question. My Senior English teacher in High School wrote this on one of my papers, I will never forget it:

Jason, you are a writer. I wish there was a wand I could wave that would make you believe that. But there isn't. It doesn't matter what you do, or where you go in life, you will always be a writer.

That has always stuck with me. Even though I think she was just being nice. I never thought about myself as a writer (or had any desire up to that point to write). However, every since the moment I read that I have never for one moment doubted that that's what I am. The thought of just sitting around, making money (making other people rich) sickens me (frankly). I don't know why. Living in this country, at this time...it's probably the worst feeling to have. Worse than wanting to kill. I don't know what I'm going to do, but whatever I do will always have to come second to writing. I may not do it as much as I'd like to (or should) but that's all I ever really want to do. Okay, and make my dad proud. So there is a pretty big conflict there (see my Vonnegut quote from a few days ago).

Anyway, the point of this post is that the best part of myself is what I got from my dad and I love him.