It's nearly 2:00AM and I can't sleep. Tonight was the worst night I've had yet at my new job. I'll spare you the boring details (you're welcome). I don't know what's happened to me. I've always done what I'm "supposed to do," in the humble hope that by doing so "everything will work out fine."
I went to college, because that's what I was supposed to do. There (and in all my years of schooling) I did you work, got good grades, and for the most part kept my head down. That's me, always doing the work--assured by "everyone" that as long as I do that, things will work out.
Well guess what? I got out of school and it turns out that's a load of horseshit. Just keeping your head down, eyes on the prize, "coloring within the lines" doesn't count for anything. No one cares. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but since December 17 when I graduated I have feel like I haven't done something...like I missed a step. Why is that?
There is no step to miss, it's just that life doesn't follow any sort of "rules." There is no natural next step beyond school. You don't get out and magically become a different, better person. I'm still the same fucked up mess I was prior to getting my diploma (which by the way, STILL hasn't come yet). It's sink or swim out here, and thus far--I feel like I'm wearing lead shoes. I don't know what I'm going to do, but just "keep on, keepin' on" ain't cutting it--not by a long shot.
Sitting home and filling out endless online applications isn't getting me anywhere (7 tonight before I first tried going to bed). My dead-end temporary job is only making me hate myself--and making me miserable. Not because it's dead-end, but because I know, 100% that I am wasted there. I wish I could take the near constant abuse and belittlement, but it's turning me into a monster. There was an incident tonight, and I'm probably going to get a phone call in the morning. When I do, I'm telling them they have two weeks to find another punching bag. I'm done.
I realize that if you're life isn't what you want it to be, you have be a grown-up and make it what you want. The only problem is, I don't know how to do that...the only up-side is, I don't think anyone else really knows how to do it either.