Friday, February 08, 2008

If Your Life Isn't What You Want It To Be, Change It

It's nearly 2:00AM and I can't sleep. Tonight was the worst night I've had yet at my new job. I'll spare you the boring details (you're welcome). I don't know what's happened to me. I've always done what I'm "supposed to do," in the humble hope that by doing so "everything will work out fine."

I went to college, because that's what I was supposed to do. There (and in all my years of schooling) I did you work, got good grades, and for the most part kept my head down. That's me, always doing the work--assured by "everyone" that as long as I do that, things will work out.

Well guess what? I got out of school and it turns out that's a load of horseshit. Just keeping your head down, eyes on the prize, "coloring within the lines" doesn't count for anything. No one cares. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but since December 17 when I graduated I have feel like I haven't done I missed a step. Why is that?

There is no step to miss, it's just that life doesn't follow any sort of "rules." There is no natural next step beyond school. You don't get out and magically become a different, better person. I'm still the same fucked up mess I was prior to getting my diploma (which by the way, STILL hasn't come yet). It's sink or swim out here, and thus far--I feel like I'm wearing lead shoes. I don't know what I'm going to do, but just "keep on, keepin' on" ain't cutting it--not by a long shot.

Sitting home and filling out endless online applications isn't getting me anywhere (7 tonight before I first tried going to bed). My dead-end temporary job is only making me hate myself--and making me miserable. Not because it's dead-end, but because I know, 100% that I am wasted there. I wish I could take the near constant abuse and belittlement, but it's turning me into a monster. There was an incident tonight, and I'm probably going to get a phone call in the morning. When I do, I'm telling them they have two weeks to find another punching bag. I'm done.

I realize that if you're life isn't what you want it to be, you have be a grown-up and make it what you want. The only problem is, I don't know how to do that...the only up-side is, I don't think anyone else really knows how to do it either.


Jason said...

And no, I didn't go crazy or anything at work. My incident at work was just a stupid student-worker who told me tonight (in front of everyone) that he didn't have to do what I said, because I'm not his boss (which, of course, I am).

This piece of shit accidentally beaned me in the groin with a ball earlier this week (by accident) and was about to do it again tonight, when I told him to stop horsing around with the equipment in our foyer area. See? It really IS that bad.

Dave said...

They really ought to get you to do this year's commencement address. That would be an awesome one.

Joking aside, I think you'd be happier if you could stop focusing so much on other people's expectations, and do what makes you joyful. The trick is finding something that does that, and pays the bills too.

Brittany said...

I haven't gotten my diploma yet either. Good to know mine wasn't lost or revoked. I hope you find a new job.

Jason said...

Me and Leah were freaking out because they STILL haven't sent them! Good to know that we're not the only ones waiting.

Meemoe said...

What happened to this? You still have that crappy job!

Terri said...

Apply for a position as a publisher's representative with a textbook publisher--you'd be great. Spend all day visiting with professors and convincing them to use your textbook...

This is a serious suggestion. Go to McGraw Hill, Bedford/StMartins, and Norton textbook websites for starting information. I am SERIOUS

Jason said...

Terri--I applied to the very position you are referring to at McGraw Hill about a month ago.

As for the other two companies--Bedford is only based in the NYC area and the other had no opening as of five minutes ago.

Thanks for thinking of me and if you (or anyone) thinks up anything the Limemonkey could do for money--please don't hesitate to let him know!