Alright, I just had a seriously weird phone call with my Mom. It's pretty bad when your Mom thinks you're no good. I am no good. I have a disease. It's called "Bill Clinton Syndrome." I can't help it...this is the way I was made. "I feel your pain" Bill...I really do. I wish I was Catholic...then I could just run away and become a priest. I've been trying to figure God out, really I have. But then I had a certain person (no names) who kept purposefully steering me away from that (out of her own self interest). I need to get on my knees, start praying. Hallelujah, amen.
Even now, my old pattern...it's happening. I have to stop, right now. This cycle of destruction and immorality...its a real bitch. I can't sleep. I don't eat. I've been chain smoking. My nerves are shot to hell (sorry). I can't think.
What would Bill do? Ah, run for public office...no. That's the last thing I need. Literally, the very last, honest to goodness...LAST fucking thing I need right now. At least I didn't cheat! I could have damn it! I may be a gutless coward, but I'm not cheating SOB. I think I have an idea, and inkling as to what the cure is. I'm afraid to say it, but I think I need to swear women off for good. I don't care if people do whisper, and think I'm a closet case...I'm gonna do it! I am! No more...no more...no more women. Why is that so hard to type? Man, could you imagine if I WAS goodlooking. Please, forget about it.
Alright, I'm done ranting and raving...and I hope...done with skits (la folda) for good! I'm serious! Until I can look my mother in the eye...no more!
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3 comments:
The sad thing is I kinda wished all your self destructive words changed something for my fate, I know It doesnt.
In the last 24 hours Ive had several people try and give me explainations for your actions, most were shocked and said "I saw you to two together, You could see you two were in love.What happened?" (I mean it was just thursday you told me you wanted to try to work on things)I just have to say I dont know. Although some of their explainations make sense in some reality, when you personally feel there is no real reality it doesnt matter.
I shouldnt even be writting yo you probably(Or checking your blog, ill stop soon, I have my own blog I can write on)their suggestions are to stay far away but Im a glutton for punishment by nature I guess.
By the way I wasnt sterring you away from G-d, you would get upset when ever we talked about such things too deeply that was the reason I steered you away, It was I guess a selfish act. I personally think everyone needs G-d in some form.
But what does all this matter anymore.
I guess I knew it was coming I saw all the signs you told me to look for, the same things you said you had done before. Oh well.
This reponse just so you know wasnt to hurt you and im sorry if it did, I do better when I get to communicate problems. (Even though there isnt one here anymore)
Im not doing bad actually (considering), I guess im used to being treated badly.
Well all I can say is Good-bye, I hope one day were friends yet your past habits may not allow that to be something that can happen, it may not be in your nature. But for now whatever happens happens. Everything fades with time, and time heals all wounds. I can testify to that, Hell, when I met you I didnt think I was ready to love again but I was.
Dear Bill- even Bill has had his time, for doing soul searching.... which is all good and just. But one has to only look within to know God and judge the type of person they want to be! Love don't come easy..... a sometimes it don't come at all, that is why Bill when you do find love it should not scare you, because you are worthy of being love and you loving someone else . Being over sex is a not an excuse it a cop out , you should not drop out. For there is not a man alive whom thought of all he could get, the pleasure of the monment is great , but the life with your soul mate is what is REAL and makes one grow from the boy to the man...........so i say to you give it a try so you can see you are worthy of being loved once the the day has dawn......
ALONE
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Maya Angelou
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