"What if this is as good as it gets?"

It's nearly 2AM and I'm still up. I haven't been sleeping much lately. I'm not going to say I have insomina, it's nothing that serious...I just don't seem to want the days to end. Class, library, gym, dorm room. Repeat. Repeat. I didn't work on my novel today (I still feel stupid saying I'm working on a novel). I went to class, called some people, went to the library.

I watched "As Good As It Gets," I really like that movie. Brilliant, gem of a film. I think part of what's wrong with me is that I don't have enough beliefs. Not enough convictions to stand on. I do have one belief: I believe that every single person has within them the capability to make something great. Create something great. It's different for everybody. That one hit, hiding inside the one hit wonder. Have you found your one hit? Your "My Sharona" (or if you're really twisted, "My Bologna").

Madness and greatness are separated by a line life of achievement. That's what they say, atleast. How many people walk around, never realizing their full potential? And how many C students become President? The whole thing is really quite sad. The guy bagging your groceries, the woman cutting your hair--maybe Walt Whitman is sacking at Hy-Vee. I'm not talking about fame or money, I'm talking about realizing a level of greatness beyond the norm. And I think we're all able to do it. The question is not a matter of ability...but faith. Do you have faith in yourself? Are you smart enough to see your strengths as well as your weaknesses?

There is an easy road. TV, sex, drugs, international politics...These are the things that will distract you. Take you in a direction contrary to the one you need to be going in. Media fear cripples us into our personal prisons of mediocrity. Money is a drug just as addictive as crack, let me assure you. Have no illusions, the Capitalist society we live in hangs a yoke on our necks the second we're born. I'm constantly finding myself wanting things I know I don't need. It's sad, because I'm not even that materialistic...not like some people. When I work out, I listen to music...but there are TV's. TV's that show channels I don't normally watch. BET is full of all sorts of nasty brainwashing, MTV too. Diamonds, cars, women with fake tits. Growing up kids think they need to have these things to be whole, complete, successful people.

I think that in a perfect world, I'd be a Communist. Not like Lenin, but Lennon. But even that's just another impossibility that only really detracts from the problems at hand. I was joking around with someone, a friend of mine, a few days ago. I asked if I ran for Governor, would they vote for me? Of course, was their reply. Unless of course my opponent was a Christian. Religion is another story all together. The comment took me by surprise. Not because I didn't know people actually thought like this--I knew they did. I guess it was just really disheartening. Someone with good ideas is screwed unless they fit into a round hole. Revelations says that the Anti-Christ will know the Bible forwards and backwards. He'll speak the Holy Scriptures like a Priest or Pastor. Why does this not bother people? All systems of control can be corrupted, especially because a really smart evil person will be able to use it to his/her advantage. That's why some of the worst criminals are lawyers...they know the rules inside and out. They can figure loop holes, stretching and bending the constructions to do their bidding.

So, as part of my new "what do are my beliefs" quest I've decided that I believe everyone is capable of fantastically great things (even if it's only one thing), and that I will never, ever be a religious person. Spiritual, yes. But I cannot, and will not subscribe to any organizations. I don't want to know the intricate rules and pieces. These machines, Bible, Torah, Koran...they're human machines. Marvels, yes, but they are products of a human mind. The world should be people's Holy text. The people we meet are the words upon it's page.

This week, I had to read Frederick Douglas's "Slave Narrative." Shortly after he learned to read, Douglas became very depressed. With his newly acquired knowledge, Douglass found himself depressed. He could read the newpapers, he knew that the life he had was not only cruel but unnecessary. At one point, he envied the other slaves around him. He envied the bliss of their ignorance. I feel like that sometimes. I wish sometimes I bought the general notions of popular Religion. I wish I could be happy working in a cubicle. I envy people that can marry their high school sweethearts.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with anything probably. I bet these thoughts make me sound condescending, but it's just how I feel. I don't look down on anyone...I just see that the road I'm walking on (out of my own nature) is different than most people.

ZZzzzzz.....