Monday, October 20, 2008

"Thoughts of a Limemonkey" Version 0.1

So I did some shit today, and I was going to blog about it...but instead this caught my eye today:

What the hell is it? It's a journal that I bought (for real cheap, as I recall) and used in a capacity very similar to this blog. I even had pictures! Most of those were just things that I cut out of magazines.

It's makes for a very interesting read--there's album reviews, crappy poetry, even a few satirical Biblical stories about Jesus (actual, they don't make fun of much as they make fun of my own limited knowledge of The Bible). BUT, the single greatest thing that's contained in this little black book WASN'T written by me at all...

It's a copy of the roast that my sister Amber wrote about me while she was in High School (apparently for Speech class). This thing is hilarious, Amber I hope you don't mind--here is the speech she gave (unedited, this is EXACTLY as she wrote it six years ago):

The Roast of Jason

by Amber
Imagine a six-foot one, nine-teen year old college sophmore who still lives in his mom's basement. His hair has not been cut in one year and he is just starting to be able to put his hair into a ponytail. And His favorite past time is playing on his Xbox. He also enjoys watching the Adult Swim on Cartoon Network every Sunday night instead of doing his homework. He is very sarcastic and most of the time acts like a complete jerk. He takes afternoon classes at Longview so he can sleep in and walk around in his underwear.

He's so rude that one time while taking me home from school one day he saw a woman on the side of the road and instead of leaving her alone like every other normal human being of course he had to say something. He proceeded to honk his horn at her all while yelling your fat! The woman just looked at us in horror as we drove by and I felt so bad while on the other hand my brother was laughing so hard he started to cry. And then there was the time he went out with my bestfriend and decided he wanted to break up with her so he did it while I was in the car. And of course neither one of them told me they were going out so you can imagine what kind of car ride that was.

And then there was the time he was working at Walgreen's and he accidentally locked himself in the freezer and he had to crawl through a vent on the floor and when he got out there was a customer just standing there looking at him. There are a million other incidents that I could tell you about if only they were school approriate. So that is all I have to say about the strange creature that is my brother Jason.

After re-reading this, I've decided that I want that etched onto my tombstone. Please, it says it all. Thank you Amber for getting me. Thank you...ah...I'm a horrible person.


Brittany said...

You had a ponytail? And yelled at people on the street? That is all levels of terrible. LOL

Jason said...


I fucking rule.

Lrgblueeyes said...


Jason said...

Were you there when I yelled that at those kids Leah?

I think certain people have this image of me...and they have no idea how bat-shit crazy I am.

Amber said...

You know you are truly loved if someone has roasted you. If I didn't care I would not have taken the time. Love ya.

Jason said...

Yes, and someday I'll roast you Amber...oh wait, I roast you every time I come home...never mind.